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Pink Eye: An Origin Story

Deep in the depths of Miami’s numerous bars, fraternity’s, residence halls, and academic buildings resides an untamed beast. 

The past two years have been rough for the pink eye virus. COVID-19 arrived on the scene, stealing Pink Eye’s thunder and those nasty masks inhibited Pink Eye’s ability to infect unsuspecting students. But, Miami’s decision to announce that COVID only exists in classroom settings enables Pink Eye to strike again. 

Now that masks are no longer required, Pink Eye can return to its former glory of making students look like mad stoners. 

It all began on a slimy floor in an innocent fraternity house. Pink Eye needed to find a new home since COVID ousted it from relevance faster than Will Smith’s slap was heard around the world. 

The booze and sweat-caked floor of the fraternity house reminded Pink Eye of the better times when it could ravage students virtually unopposed. But lo and behold, an opportunity presented itself. 

The young pledge, Brad, consumed too many Fireball shooters and now lay unconscious on the floor. Pink Eye couldn’t believe what it was seeing. Opportunities like this do not come very often so Pink Eye decided to strike…

Brad woke up with his right eye seemingly glued shut for some reason unbeknownst to him. Normally, Pink Eye would begin preying on the innocent by simply causing a slight itch. 

But pink eye has been out of the game so long that it couldn’t help but infect Brad with the most uncomfortable of symptoms. While Brad seemed confused about what could have possibly caused his eye to be this sticky, this did not stop him from hitting up that dilapidated Rec Center.

There seemed to be a smorgasbord of victims to infect…guys wearing head to toe-GymShark gear…girls wearing matching Lululemon leggings and tops…So Pink Eye decided to transfer and multiply onto one of the six squat racks that serve Miami’s 20,000 students. Infecting McKenna, Sam, DJ, and many others proved to be just as enjoyable as the first victim.

Now that Brad worked off his hangover, he could attend his business core class with the boys. Spreading to others started to become too easy for Pink Eye. Brad began dapping up half the class, providing Pink Eye with even more opportunities to strike and spread. 

What an incredible host Brad proved to be. He seemed to enjoy occupying all the most populous places in Oxford. And tonight, Brad will be attending a bar rental at Brick Street!

Here is where Pink Eye rose back to its former glory. The constant grinding, pushing, bumping, kissing, drinking, sweating and dancing allowed Pink Eye to infect an ignorant amount of students. 

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We all know the rest of the story. Pink Eye turned campus into a petri dish of disease, proving to be worse for Miami students’ mental and physical health than the closing of Bell Tower Commons. All those “Make it Miami” students visiting must have thought Miami is a cult of stoners between the ages of 18-22. 

Pink Eye’s comeback story rivals that of the Miami football team taking home the prestigious Frisco Football Classic. Someday, Pink Eye will earn a spot in Miami’s Cradle of Coaches. 

john1595@miamioh.edu

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