Before everyone gets mad, these are jokes. I know these are stereotypes and I am just trying to write these to project my depression onto others instead of dealing with it myself. It is a work of satire so chill, Daddy.
Though I have no friends, I have been at Miami for about two years now. Looking at some other types of people on campus, here is my best estimation of their daily lives.
I have collected this information with scientific precision, sitting at Pulley's from 11:00 p.m. to 2:00 a.m. on people watching on Fridays.
Before he does anything serious, he must do the essentials: snapchat 15 girls, put on his flannel, turn his baseball hat backwards, and move his mask below his nose.
His breakfast consists of creatine and leftover pizza. As he leaves for class, he kisses each of his brothers goodbye, a tradition in all fraternities.
He arrives at his first and only class in Farmer, ECO202, which he is taking for the fourth time; he seems to struggle when they get to the coloring section. So, like any good business student, he takes his coloring book out and begins his work.
The class ends at 11:00 and he decides to then treat himself with a morning beer. He needs to pregame for the afternoon of gaslighting his girlfriend.
He gets home, kisses each brother and goes up stairs to work on his small business, a coke ring that sources organic from Cincinnati. After 10 minutes of hard work, he and his boys decided to go out.
Tonight he wears his fancy basketball jersey. They get to Brick for another night of “scouting,” which mainly consists of him buying drinks for freshmen while they go and dance with other guys.
To end the night, he has a cool 30-minute cry session because he knows, no matter how hard he tries, he will never live up to his father’s expectations. As a result he has become nothing but a shell of a man drifting from party to party.
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He wakes up at 9 a.m. to a French song he once heard in a Wes Anderson movie. Little does he know the artist who made the song killed himself and his family last year. He then makes an espresso that he tells everyone is freshly roasted beans, but it is just low-acid Folgers since he has a sensitive stomach.
For the next hour he works on trying to perfectly roll his jeans, his sweatshirt sleeves, and his beanie, even if it is 80 degrees in August. To finish the look, he puts on non-prescription glasses, Chuck Taylors, some rings he saw Harry Styles wear, and a Carhartt jacket.
For his one class of the day, they are learning how to wait tables.
He doesn’t pay attention however, because he already knows what he will do after graduation. To avoid being a corporate sellout, he is blessing his parents by letting them host him and his friends’ “art collective” for the next five years.
His art collective will just be them smoking weed in the basement to work on their creative process producing one drawing a year. He hopes to revolutionize the field but in reality he will end up working in a grocery store stocking fruit.
The rest of the day consists of nature walks to find and align his chakra. Though he still goes to mass every Sunday, he tells everyone he is a Buddhist.
To end his night, he will get wine drunk with his friends, as beer is too cheap for them, even though they drink the Barefoot brand.
He wakes up at 6 a.m. to do his non-mandatory round. It is essential that no student under the watchful eye of this paid snitch has any fun while in the dorm.
His stats this year have been impressive; 35 noise complaints, four suspensions, 60 alcohol incidents, eight cops called and one administrative leave of absence.
Once the round is over, he texts in the GroupMe asking if anyone wants to have lunch, but for the 35th day in a row, no one responds. For the rest of the morning, he sits in the lobby, inspecting each bag for contraband.
The RA truly understands that this job will be more important than class, so he has not gone once this semester. Instead he has spent every waking hour crafting the perfect bulletin board.
After eating both lunch and dinner alone, he returns to his dorm for another night on patrol. Even though he is not on duty, he feels it is his obligation to the residents to be there for them.
He has a corridor program every night as well, in hopes to create community. However, it is yet again a failure. To stay up, he takes 12 confiscated Adderalls, and using his master key, the RA tucks every resident into bed, no matter how many times he is warned not to.
To end the night the RA goes to Brick and gets absolutely hammered. Once the RA is blacked out, he smokes the marijuana he confiscated to cut the edge, for he needs to prepare himself for another day as a student leader.
She wakes up in the morning still in the makeup from karaoke night, wearing the t-shirt of her high school ex, who she claims plays for Ohio State’s football team, but really is a team manager.
She immediately begins complaining that she needs coffee, but before she bitches to the Starbucks workers, she needs to decide which puffer jacket and legging combo she will wear for the day. She ventures out in the classic look, black Lulu Lemon leggings, Air Force 1s and a white puffer jacket.
It is ultimately a sad excuse for fashion. For the 5th day in a row, she spends $10 at Starbucks, where she swears at the employee for getting her drink wrong, again. However, she will be back tomorrow.
When she arrives five minutes late to class, she complains about losing one of her colored pens. The seven she currently has aren’t enough for taking notes, so in class she will just text her sugar daddy.
Before lunch, she stops to change into her scrubs, though it is only 11:00 a.m. and her clinicals are at 4:00 pm. For the next few hours, she tries to satisfy her daily quota of the following phrases: “I could have been a PA, but nursing just called to me,” “Have you seen how a catheter is put in? Yeah, I do that every day,” and the most iconic, “Oh C’s get degrees, not for me I need to maintain a high GPA, so I can’t go out.”
Following her clinical, which consisted of texting and hanging out in the bathroom, she does as all good students do: looks to scam frat boys for drinks at the bar. To end her day, she drunkenly cries to her RA that she will never be as good as her older sister who is in medical school.