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Woman’s Love-Life Ruined by Quarantine, Seeks Advice on How to Break Up

Disclaimer: This is meant for satirical purposes only. Please do not use this “advice.”

Dear readers,

I’m sure you’ve all felt it. As we near a year of pandemic living, we’re feeling a little crazy. Even the most level-headed among us aren’t immune to this sentiment; case-in-point, many newspapers have recently had to pull some of Jeanne “Dear Abby” Phillips’ columns for what they have called “frankly bonkers” advice. But here at The Miami Student, we have managed to gain access to one of these pulled columns and published it here for your entertainment.

Dear Abby,

Back before the pandemic started, I met the man of my dreams, who I’ll call “Calvin.” We very quickly began dating, and things were going really well until the pandemic hit. Both of us decided to move back in with our parents, but his live in Oregon, and mine live in Georgia, so we didn’t see each other face-to-face for nearly a year. With things getting better recently, we both moved back into our apartments in Columbus, and we went on our first in-person date in 11 months last weekend. It was then that I realized “Calvin” became a different person in quarantine: He is now messy, apathetic, and I don’t mean to be superficial here, but he has gained a significant amount of weight. He was strangely unsure of how to talk to the waiter, and in the end, the poor man had to get on a Zoom call to make “Calvin” feel more comfortable, despite the fact that he was standing right in front of him. Abby, am I crazy for wanting to break up with him? I don’t want to hurt his feelings, what should I do?

--Confused in Columbus

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Dear Confused,

I don’t think you are wrong to want to break up with “Calvin,” but you are right that you can’t hurt his feelings —it seems he’s teetering on the edge as is. What you need to do is make him want to break up with you, and the easiest way to do this is to become a Cat Lady. Go out and get as many cats as your local shelter will allow you to have, and next time “Calvin” comes over, introduce him to each cat and tell him that you are raising them as your own children. This should be enough to convince him to break up with you, but just in case he needs more convincing, serve him a meal that has kitty litter baked into it. This will, without a doubt, give him no qualms about leaving you.

--Abby

P.S. Once he’s broken up with you, would you mind giving me his number? “Calvin” sounds like my kind of man.

woestekj@miamioh.edu

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