Before all the Chad’s and Megan’s come at me for changing Miami, this is a work of satire. These are just thoughts I had while bored in my room.
The traditions at Miami confuse me. To make them better, I encourage His Highness, Mr. Greg Crawford, to read carefully through my suggested edits to current Miami traditions and decide which of these options to implement in his next agenda as his current agenda of creating a diverse and inclusive environment is failing.
Go ghost hunting in Peabody Hall
According to Miami University’s website, ghost hunting is a fun activity on campus. It’s thrilling to consider. So, I propose that you and a group of highly trained friends take up arms and go ghost hunting. No, I am not condoning any gun violence; everyone knows a ghost can only be killed with a crossbow. Instead of buying my “Foundations of Biology'' textbook, I will be buying a crossbow, and I recommend you do the same. It is time for us to take a stand against Helen Peabody and her spirit army. Before you graduate, please join this fight and go hunting with me.
2. The Battle of the Bricks
I am not a sports expert. I have no interest in watching Miami’s football team play Ohio University in what is guaranteed to be a snooze fest. However, I like the name “Battle of the Bricks,” so here is an alternative option to the football game, which will cause less brain damage: Miami and a competing school recruit their 20 strongest individuals and they buy two pallets of bricks. Then, in a trench warfare style game, the two teams line up 10 yards apart, taking turns throwing bricks at one another. The game will last until one team forfeits or all players on a team have been struck. Though this may seem barbaric, I implore you to look at the number of injuries caused by football. I am sure some good old fashioned brick throwing will be fine.
3. Stepping on the Seal
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I know multiple students who have had lunch on the seal yet still thrive, never failing a test. So, to make stepping on the seal have some real consequences, we should replace the seal with a seal. Not the critically acclaimed recording artists known for “Kiss from a Rose” but a carnivorous, fin-footed, semi-aquatic animal. I think the student body would have more respect and reverence for this version of the Miami seal. Imagine what some students have done to the metal piece. Now, replace that hunk of metal with a live animal. If someone went to the bathroom on the animal the same way they did with the seal: unimaginable. Also, those bad boys have some chompers on them. If the Fiji boys want to try to mess with it, the seal will defend itself. And do not forget there will also be a group of ghost killers out there with crossbows to keep watch.
4. Go Greek
We all know social frats and sororities have devolved from elite social clubs meant for the highest quality of students to million-dollar organizations that trick self-conscious kids into paying for friends. I recommend we take these funds and have all those in Greek life become Greek citizens. Once the university converts all of them to being Greek citizens, they are tasked with fixing the struggling Greek economy. If they really want to create men and women of value, force them to go back to the old country to learn some real value.
5. Cradle of Coaches
Again, football is silly, dangerous, and there is too much money involved. Though Miami is an academic powerhouse, it chooses not to celebrate its scholarly achievements, instead focusing on the pride grown men have from telling other grown men how to play a children's game. So, to celebrate these esteemed coaches, have them dress as babies and do a calendar photoshoot to raise money for research. If we really want to emphasize the cradle narrative, then let them be in cradles. I think a cute calendar would be one heck of a gag and get plenty of publicity for the school, while celebrating these men we admire and respect.