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Got Hugs?

This is satire, drugs cannot make you feel less lonely, that’s a personal problem.

Nutrition deficiencies are nothing new. Odds are you’ve complained about a minor headache, only to have someone suggest, “You’re probably low in Vitamin D.” Maybe your mom called you in a frenzy explaining how she just read a Facebook post proclaiming that a lack of iron was the cause of your chronic exhaustion and that she already sent a care package full of ferrous sulfide your way — I know mine did. But have you ever heard of having a hug deficiency?

According to the World Health Organization, most humans require at least 10 hugs a day to function normally. However, COVID-19 isolation protocols make it near impossible for people to fulfill their daily hug intake. 

Local clinicians have noticed a steady uptick in hug deficient patients who report specific symptoms. If you’ve recently experienced crying spells lasting longer than 30 minutes, spontaneously hugged an inanimate object, been totaled by noodle arms, or had visceral reactions to rom-coms, you might want to get your hug levels checked. 

If you’re concerned about meeting your hug intake, rest easy: a new medication called MBrays (pronounced “embrace”) is soon to hit the market. MBrays is an injection that patients self administer whenever they desire the feeling of a hug.

“The medication causes three distinct things to happen in the body,” one pharmacist described. “First, it significantly increases the temperature of the patient’s upper body. Then, a nerve agent causes muscles to firmly contract for about 15 seconds. Finally, the brain is hit with a blast of oxytocin, affectionately known as the ‘cuddle hormone.’ All of these come together to trick the patient into thinking they just received a warm embrace.” 

The active ingredient of MBrays is a hormone derived from human males. Many middle-aged men have built up an immunity to hug deficiency over the years because real men don’t hug. 

Side effects include fever, feeling faint or dizzy, muscle soreness, both high and low blood pressure, irritation at injection sight, paralysis, false hope, excess salivation at the sight of a hug, prolonged euphoria, loss of bodily control, and phantom scents. 

Although MBrays is a great option for supplementing your daily hug intake, MBrays is not intended to fully replace hugs and patients should seek out genuine hugs when possible. Talk to your doctor today to see if MBrays is right for you.

pattiskj@miamioh.edu

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