We at The Miami Student believe all majors to be equal. This is a work of satire. Mostly.
Recent anger and tension between majors has caused a “major war” where students band together in scholarly groups to destroy each other. Originally, it didn’t seem like a big deal — just statements like, “Farmer looks like Queen Elizabeth II threw up everywhere” tweeted by Kate, an American Studies major, and, “God, do pre-med bio majors ever stop complaining?” ironically tweeted by Sam, a psychology major whose other tweets read, “I’m depressed” and “I hate my major.”
Though these tweets remain fairly tame, they indicate a larger issue, a disconnect between majors that came to light earlier this week during a few altercations in Armstrong.
First, a political science student stood angrily outside a study room, peering through the glass at a man clad in a teal Vineyard Vines shirt, salmon pink pants and Sperry shoes without socks. His Patagonia hat sat backward on his head, and he was studying for a marketing exam. The poli-sci student, Cara, looked haggard.
“I need this study room,” she explained to me, a random passerby who happens to be a reporter for TMS, “and this Farmer bro just thinks he deserves it? Because he’s so privileged?” She tapped on the glass, remarking that this man was “profiting from capitalism and white privilege.”
At this point, the man inside the study room opened the door.
“I reserved this room a week ago,” he said, “and don’t act like your major is any harder than mine. I need to study, too. I’m in MKT 204 for the third time.”
Across Armstrong, in the Shade Living Room, a pre-med biology student, Charlie, and a theatre student, Megan, argued over the last remaining chair.
“I haven’t slept in four days. Get off my back and let me sit. Be dramatic somewhere else,” Charlie said, as he pulled out a textbook for BIO 115. “My classes are hard.”
I think it should be noted that Charlie is a freshman taking fundamental basic courses. Megan then slapped Charlie, and when she saw me watching, said, “Don’t worry, it’s a stage slap.”
Though this “major war” seems small and possibly insignificant, the administration is taking steps to stop the bullying. They put up fences around Farmer School of Business and told other departments to “be on guard” against possible vandalism, asking departments to “fend for themselves.” The university then deployed a SWAT team to protect Farmer.
When I reached out to President Crawford, he seemed confused about the issues and said, “Let’s stay healthy, together.”
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Amen, Crawford, amen.