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What women really want

This is a satire. Following this advice will not benefit anyone.

Valentine's Day is quickly approaching, and I’m here to tell you that women are so over the basic, gushy, lovey-dovey crap that goes on every year. As a woman myself (hold the applause), I feel not only inclined, but entitled to give you some tips and tricks for success in the upcoming season of love.  

So you want to ask a girl to be your valentine, but you’re not sure how. Maybe send her some flowers? Chocolates? Buy her a cute stuffed animal? Absolutely not, my friend. Women are tired of men always asking questions. “Will you be my valentine?” “Can I give you my number?” “What’s the little three-digit number on the back of your credit card?” UGH. Gross. You know what they say: Women are like young children in that they always need your guidance, and they aren’t very good drivers. In the end, it is always better to just assume the woman of interest is already in love with you and does not need to be asked. You’ll pick her up at 8.

So you got a date! Good for you, bud. I knew you had it in you the whole time. My next piece of advice is about dinner. Women like men who can read their minds. This is why you should never ask a woman how she’s doing. You should already know the answer to this: She’s doing fantastic because you’re in her life. No need for meaningful conversation. Anyway, back to my point: ordering food at dinner. This isn’t the women’s rights movement — we’re done asking for what we want! This year, make sure you order the food for your date.  

Now that you’re done eating, what should you do next? Easy: Introduce her to the family. Women love when men are real and vulnerable, so what better way to show her your true colors on the first date than a good old chat with Mom and Dad? In a perfect world, you should really be taking her home to meet everyone, show her your childhood bedroom (but nothing too crazy in there. That’s more of a St. Patrick’s Day ordeal) and definitely have her do the dishes after dinner to see if she’s wife material. Unfortunately, a FaceTime call will have to do during this pandemic. Although it’s not as exciting, I’m sure Mom can still show all the family photo albums through her iPad camera.

I hope this is enough to give you a Valentine’s Day you’ll never forget.