It has come to the attention of The Miami Student that many students have lost items on Miami’s campus in the past few weeks. We, therefore, take it upon ourselves to publish a list of these items in hopes that someone locates them.
Jenny reported losing her keys near Upham Hall. They are on a silver key ring with a friendship bracelet and an Anarchy symbol charm.
Austin reported that he lost his car in the crowded Walmart parking lot. He also lost all patience while waiting for the parking lot to empty.
Another student reported losing their train of thought. “I realized it was missing when I walked down into my basement to get … what was I planning on grabbing? Anyway… wait, who are you and why are you recording this conversation? Get out of my house, weirdo!” They requested to remain anonymous and also filed a restraining order against our field reporter.
A wallet containing $200 dollars held together with a money clip was lost in Pulley Diner. The good news is that we found the wallet and the clip…
Taylor reported losing her professor’s respect. “Bruh, he just has no chill. I’m a good student, I show up to class, I chill in the back, I make loud jokes about whatever the prof says, and the class laughs. I’m making the lecture more interesting. He should be thanking me!”
A student reported losing his dignity when he was spotted doing the “walk of shame” across north quad. When he discovered the person who spotted him was his girlfriend, he reported his best chance at true love missing as well.
Multiple students reported losing the “great idea they had for a midterm paper” after they sobered up. They are also searching for better grades.