The black cloak of mortality will be on everyone’s doorstep at some point, somberly inviting them into whatever comes after this life. And as someone who has not come to terms with my eventual meeting with the Grim Reaper, I find it hard to grapple with the fact that death is inescapable.
Well, death is inescapable for an average human being such as myself.
Over the years, I have meticulously observed and analyzed famous individuals and, in turn, have come to the conclusion that some celebrities will simply never die. Some of them are even luckier — they will never age, which means by default they will never die either.
And no, these celebrities’ immortality has nothing to do with any selling of souls to the devil. Their ability to live forever is completely organic.
Sir Ian McKellan
This man is upward of 80 years old and possesses more power than anyone on this list. What that power can do, no mortal being will ever know. McKellan’s “Lord of the Rings” character, Gandalf the Gray, did die, but he was immediately resurrected, so it’s not too far off to assume that McKellan himself, if he put up a fight, could skip the dying part and just exist forever. He’s also gay and an LGBTQ+ activist, AND he’s been knighted, so he is literally unable to die.
Now listen to me, this man does not age, and I will NOT hear differently. He looks exactly the same in “Ant-Man” as he did in “Clueless,” 20 years earlier. Is Paul Rudd just a perfect human being in general? Yes. But does that mean he has automatic immunity from death? Also yes.
This fine specimen does, in fact, age. But he is so eccentric that he has to live for the benefit of humanity itself. I mean, he has released several albums with his band in which he plays jazz piano. Not to mention, he wears a fedora in nearly half of the pictures he takes. I’m convinced that if Goldblum died by some tragic otherworldly force, he would either find a way to summon himself back to Earth or he would single handedly take over another planet. Either way, death is not in his future. Also, he recreated the iconic “Jurassic Park” picture and somehow looks better … 27 years later.
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Honestly, I don’t have much of an explanation for this one. It’s just a good feeling — he’s Canadian (which just makes so much sense), and he will never see the end of his life.
Y’all better look up pictures of Miranda Cosgrove today and compare them to her in “iCarly.” You can’t TELL ME I’m wrong. This girl has not aged a day; she looks like she could still be 15 years old. And she still sings, which keeps her youthful soul alive. She was also the first woman on this list, so she gets extra points for that.
Rodriguez and I look the exact same, and I think it’s only fair that my celebrity doppelgänger is also immortal. Despite that fact, though, she really does look the same as she did when she played the absolutely iconic latina queen, Trish De la Rosa, on “Austin and Ally.”
I’m apprehensive to admit this, but Ms. White was not originally on this list. I reluctantly added her after relentless verbal attacks from my roommate. My roommate said, “Have you seen the woman? She acts like she’s 20. She’ll never die.” Apparently, White is 98 years old, so the fact that she still acts like a spry 20 year old is actually quite impressive.
Hear me out on this one. Tony Hawk ages, and frankly, I don’t think he ages well. But think about it: he has always been a household name just looming ominously around the Homeowner Association’s suburban head. While he never faded away from the public eye, right now he’s in a period of resurgence. Because he’ll always be suspended in the minds of the American people, he will always be suspended in the mortal realm.
She just doesn’t age. She never has, and she never will. By sheer willpower, she will, in fact, live forever. That is all.
Holes. Transformers. The paper bag thing. He’s like Jeff Goldblum but less powerful. I mean, if anything, he’s the one doing the killing (for clarification, LaBeouf is not, in fact, an “actual cannibal”).