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Miami to install new ‘heated floor panels’ in the Farmer School of Business

The Farmer School of Business has confirmed plans to install 400 heated panels under the stone floors of the building, assuring students that the introduction of these heated walkways will both “reduce lame-ness” and “increase general clout.”

The outdoor walking areas on Miami University’s campus are rigged with a complex heating system that ensures ice or snow does not form on sidewalks. This is to prevent falling, isolating those with different mobility needs and general discomfort by the student body.

With the value of this practical and effective solution evident, Miami is looking to again replicate success. 

“We pride ourselves with having the most up-to-date technology to make our students lives more contemporary,” said finance professor Connor Lance. “But also because it makes me feel cool, and as an adult that is a rare feeling.”

This sense of “cool” is not foreign to the walls of Farmer. In fact, it is essential. Eighty-five percent of new students have said that they chose to attend Miami because of how cool it is, according to a survey conducted by The Miami Student’s Humor section. 

The administration has thus ensured that there is no way any Farmer student at any time would ever feel uncool. 

Miami’s Chief of Aesthetic, Brock Danielle, described his layout. 

“Everything around you is cool,” he said. “Looking down after having a rough class? Boom! Marble floors. Throwing away another term paper? Fear not, the trash cans are gold trimmed. Lost your shoes in a fire? Soon, your bare feet will be cozy and accommodated.”

When asked about the cost of installing these heating pads under dozens of heavy-stone floor tiles, Brock said simply, “I don’t know. I’m working with a blank check here.”

Miami’s administration declined to comment on how much money they have allocated for this heated floor panel project, instead offering our Humor editor a Starbucks gift card and a Miami University beer koozie that reads “From Now On.”

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