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Progressive family lets turkey slaughter their first-born in kooky mixup

Every holiday season is kicked off by Thanksgiving — a time to be close with your family and to be thankful for all you have. Traditionally, this time of the year comes with a turkey, mashed potatoes, family gatherings and joy. 

But, in a new and kooky mixup, one Akron couple has turned Thanksgiving on its head.

“We have never had any personal problems with the Stultas,” Akron resident Emile Renee said. “But the only thing that always seems to get them in trouble? Their extreme views on animal activism.” 

“This Thanksgiving they took it too far,” she added. 

This year, the Stultas did not eat a Thanksgiving turkey like the rest of their neighbors. Instead they offered up their firstborn son, Harry, to a horde of turkeys as payment for the turkey blood being spilt on this glorious day. 

Harry’s younger brother, Ryan, had a surprisingly optimistic outlook about his parents’ decision to sacrifice Harry. 

“Honestly I think Harry was into it,” Ryan said. “Mom and Dad frankly did a very good job of explaining why being pecked to death was the most ethical thing to do. We owe a debt to their kind, a debt only paid in blood.” 

The Stulta family has a storied history with controversial acts of animal activism. 

They famously protested at all 11 “AirBud” affiliated film premieres, not pausing as they screamed at the tiny puppies making their way down the red carpet. 

Their late son, Harry, freed 38 horses from a nearby ranch in an attempt to “free them from their shackles.” 

All 38 bodies of the horses have now been found, all but four had died in the wild. 

The Akron police were notified of the Stulta’s sacrifice and plan to investigate both the Stutla’s household and the turkeys’ cave.

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But the force’s effectiveness has been shaky in the past. 

Three years ago on Easter Sunday, the Stultas announced their plan to douse anyone dressed as the Easter bunny in rabbit blood. The family successfully doused four bunnies before they were apprehended by local authorities. 

“We thought it was a joke the first three times, but four marks pattern so we came when we could,” said Sheriff Craig Donaldson, head of the Stulta investigation.  

Now with another crisis on their hands, the Akron community is looking for police protection.

“All we have found so far is some feathers at the scene, and some documentation showing that several turkeys applied for and received concealed carry licenses from the state,” Donaldson explained. “We’re sure Harry is done-for, but we need to bring these sick birds to justice.”

Donaldson declined to answer if his family had eaten a turkey on Thanksgiving. 

bertrant@miamioh.edu 



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