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My grandmother got into a fatal hit and run while walking home drunk on Christmas

*To the tune of “Grandma Got Runover By A Reindeer” by Elmo & Patsy*

My Grandmother is dead. She was just here a minute ago, drinking and being merry with her family. Grandma was an amazing woman, but forgetful to a fault. She had left her lactaid at home, and wouldn’t be able to participate in our fondue bonanza.

She insisted on going home to retrieve it. 

We begged her not to go, the storm was at its peak and the wind burnt like fire. But Grandma would not miss another bonanza. 

As I mentioned, she had been drinking — rum spiked eggnog, to be specific. Grandma was, admittedly, a tank, but the nog had been flowing all night. I began to worry for her as she started off into the night, stumbling through six inches of heavy snow. 

How had no one stopped her? 

I ask myself this question every day now. 

I couldn’t sleep. I had a feeling in my gut that wouldn’t go away, and it wasn’t because of the fondue. When I got downstairs, I heard the news. Grandma was struck last night, fatally. 

All they had to go off of was a pair of hoof prints on her forehead and claw marks on her back. It sounded to me like an animal attack until I learned their were sleigh tracks leading away from the scene. 

It couldn’t be Santa. He isn’t real. But who else could be riding a sleigh around on Christmas? We were all a little confused. 

Grandpa took it well, considering the circumstances. He had his moments of grief, but watching football seemed to help distract him. Cousin Belle came over and started playing cards with Grandpa. She hated playing cards with him — he is a ruthless 52 pick-up competitor — but we could all see he needed it. He also started drinking. I think we all would. 

We all changed into black clothing in remembrance of her. The house gradually became quieter and quieter with a lingering tension. None of the gifts had been opened. Looking over at the pile, I could see Grandma’s wrapping paper on boxes of all sizes. Should we really open these? I was of the mind that we should throw them away — I didn’t want to see them. On the other hand, she said she was getting me a Nintendo Switch, which seemed impossible to pass up. 

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The police weren’t able to find anything more in the following days. There is no one with a registered sleigh in the tri-state area. 

It had to be Santa. 

Grandpa started believing as well. We needed an answer, and the only one I could think of was that fat bastard. Go to hell, you murderer. I’ve warned the neighborhood about you — and we will be waiting. 

Enjoy your elves while you can.  

betrant@miamioh.edu 

“Grandma Got Runover By A Reindeer” by Elmo & Patsy

Grandma got runned over by a reindeer

Walking home from our house Christmas Eve

You can say there's no such thing as Santa

But as for me and Grandpa, we believe

She'd been drinkin' too much eggnog

And we'd begged her not to go

But she'd left her medication

So she stumbled out the door into the snow

When they found her Christmas mornin'

At the scene of the attack

There were hoof prints on her forehead

And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back

Chorus

Now we're all so proud of Grandpa

He's been takin' this so well

See him in there watchin' football

Drinkin beer and playin' cards with cousin Belle

It's not Christmas without Grandma

All the family's dressed in black

And we just can't help but wonder:

Should we open up her gifts or send them back?

Chorus

Now the goose is on the table

And the pudding made of fig

And a blue and silver candle

That would have just matched the hair in grandma's wig

I've warned all my friends and neighbors

"Better watch out for yourselves

They should never give a license

To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves."

Chorus x2



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