Established 1826 — Oldest College Newspaper West of the Alleghenies

Personal ads: Couples costume edition

MALE, 20: Hello, and good day. I am seeking a compatriot with which to attend a rendevouz. I have already completed and broken-in my William Randolph Hearst costume and will be happy to help you construct yours. I am envisioning that you go as the ghost of an elderly woman that had been killed by Hearst years earlier in a tragic hit and run. It offers a hint of humor with a lining of historically-accurate-yet-spooky — a perfect combo. Write me a letter if interested and leave it on my doorstep. You will have to find me. 

MALE, 50: Hello — I am willing to offer my services to any college-aged individual that needs an older man to complete their couples costume. I can play between 30-65 years old and have a background in theatre from Julliard. In the past, I have gone as Younger Benjamin Button, Gandalf (The White and The Grey), The Ghost of Christmas Past and Yoda. I don’t charge as long as you don’t make fun of me, at which point I have a penalty system for around $20 an insult, depending on the severity of said insult.

FEMALE, 12: Listen, I know how many of you are going to buy a Sully onesie from Monsters Inc. with the hopes of finding a Boo to match. I also know how many of you struck out and now are going to look like a sad, teal and purple-spotted mess on Halloween. I will come dressed as Boo to one (1) Halloween party for cash. I charge $100 per hour and bring my own security. I also have a concealed carry license, which I am legally required to tell you. 

FEMALE, 21: Hi! — I have a dream, a dream about the perfect two-person Halloween costume. You can help make that dream come true. I want to go to my friend’s Halloween party dressed as a slightly more psychotic version of myself (messier hair, lesions, etc.) and I want you to come as the key piece of evidence that gets me convicted for a series of murders back in 2008. If I recall correctly, the only things that could be are a boot print in the mud or a tube of lipstick I left on the north side of Wilmot mountain — we’ll go with the lipstick. I already have a massive ziplock evidence bag, so all I would need from you is to construct a large cylinder and wear it in the bag as I drag you around telling my sordid tale. 

MALE, 15: I need someone to carry out a hit on Harriet Lowell. She has gone too far — the buck stops here. I may have only been four years old when it all happened, but I remember the impact well enough. Her taunting will be her demise. Meet me on the north side of Wilmot mountain on Halloween at midnight if you’re up for the task.   

bertrant@miamioh.edu 



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