Established 1826 — Oldest College Newspaper West of the Alleghenies

Personal ads: Couples costume edition

MALE, 20: Hello, and good day. I am seeking a compatriot with which to attend a rendevouz. I have already completed and broken-in my William Randolph Hearst costume and will be happy to help you construct yours. I am envisioning that you go as the ghost of an elderly woman that had been killed by Hearst years earlier in a tragic hit and run. It offers a hint of humor with a lining of historically-accurate-yet-spooky — a perfect combo. Write me a letter if interested and leave it on my doorstep. You will have to find me. 

MALE, 50: Hello — I am willing to offer my services to any college-aged individual that needs an older man to complete their couples costume. I can play between 30-65 years old and have a background in theatre from Julliard. In the past, I have gone as Younger Benjamin Button, Gandalf (The White and The Grey), The Ghost of Christmas Past and Yoda. I don’t charge as long as you don’t make fun of me, at which point I have a penalty system for around $20 an insult, depending on the severity of said insult.

FEMALE, 12: Listen, I know how many of you are going to buy a Sully onesie from Monsters Inc. with the hopes of finding a Boo to match. I also know how many of you struck out and now are going to look like a sad, teal and purple-spotted mess on Halloween. I will come dressed as Boo to one (1) Halloween party for cash. I charge $100 per hour and bring my own security. I also have a concealed carry license, which I am legally required to tell you. 

FEMALE, 21: Hi! — I have a dream, a dream about the perfect two-person Halloween costume. You can help make that dream come true. I want to go to my friend’s Halloween party dressed as a slightly more psychotic version of myself (messier hair, lesions, etc.) and I want you to come as the key piece of evidence that gets me convicted for a series of murders back in 2008. If I recall correctly, the only things that could be are a boot print in the mud or a tube of lipstick I left on the north side of Wilmot mountain — we’ll go with the lipstick. I already have a massive ziplock evidence bag, so all I would need from you is to construct a large cylinder and wear it in the bag as I drag you around telling my sordid tale. 

MALE, 15: I need someone to carry out a hit on Harriet Lowell. She has gone too far — the buck stops here. I may have only been four years old when it all happened, but I remember the impact well enough. Her taunting will be her demise. Meet me on the north side of Wilmot mountain on Halloween at midnight if you’re up for the task.