Established 1826 — Oldest College Newspaper West of the Alleghenies

Trickle Down Win! FSB to donate spare chandeliers to College of Arts and Sciences

In a perfect display of the benefits of supply-side economic policy, this week the Farmer School of Business (FSB) plans to donate 15 spare chandeliers to the College of Arts and Sciences (CAS) for installation in Upham Hall.

"We were running out of room in our treasure dungeon and just weren't ready to part with J.P. Morgan's cryofrozen brain," proclaimed Cory Hammond, a representative of the Dean's office from atop his golden throne whilst being fed grapes by shirtless Dividends employees. "It was a gift from Deloitte, after all!"

The decision comes after a recent donation to FSB from yet another C-suite bourgeois with a son who needs to manage their estate. The donation funded this year's new chandelier models, the installation of which cost only the lives of several maintenance workers.

FSB students offered glowing reviews of the donation to the CAS.

"We're all happy to help them," said finance major Asher Lang. "It's good to give them this experience now, because none of them will ever work hard and become rich like my daddy."

Lang's father recently gave FSB a marble centerpiece for the foyer, which depicts industry titan John D. Rockefeller spewing oil upon blue collar laborers hoisting him up; an elegant interpretation of the ways wealth spills over from the lips of the wealthy to those below.

The Dean's representative also urged those "who feel that $100,000 is simply not enough to pay for education" to continue sending donations to FSB, as that money will "eventually" find its way to the hands of a starving theatre major.

The generous chandelier donation also includes several gold-plated trash cans, marble pillars, and an out-of-tune grand piano no one in FSB could figure out how to fix.

"What the fuck are we supposed to do with all this?" history professor Alan Barnes said, who now has so much wealth, he doesn't know how to handle it!

Enjoy what you're reading?
Signup for our newsletter