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Theater program stuns with latest production of 'three straight hours of yelling'

The voices of the theater program fell on what are now deaf ears last Saturday after their recent production of "three straight hours of yelling," a play heralded by critics as perfect for amateur theater.

The play, written by an old hermit Josiah, who is known for screaming at kids about famed singer-songwriter Kelly Clarkson, features a series of actors on the stage screaming about various issues and events.

"Theater majors love to be angry about things, if we're not angry, we don't feel at home," whispered sophomore Larry Stedson, a theater major wearing tight short shorts. "We feel like this play is important for our acting muscle because it allows us to be angry about everything."

What starts off as a night of yelling about the pain of being a teenager in a world, slowly devolves into incoherent screeching, which might be described as that of a fruit bat fondling a supple - yet firm - honey dew melon, or, "a great college theater performance," as sophomore Samantha Niamore put it.

"The topic that went on for the longest were just the words 'we important!'" said audience member and junior Jerome Polman while getting his bloody ears checked. "No one seemed to dispute this, but they kept screaming about it for about an hour anyways."

The play also incorporated moments to yell about Bowflex, Culture Club's 1983 hit "Karma Chameleon" and the word "environment," which seemed to confuse audiences with what, exactly, they were trying to get across.

Though the play started off with screaming, it found its stride within the characters themselves -- played by pale, gaunt actors who look like they haven't slept in years.

"I really wanted to dig into the character of 'screaming man number two,'" Stedson said. "There is just so much to delve into, like, why exactly is he screaming about hip-hop dance shows for children?"

Other characters included were screaming woman number four, shrieking child number two and Chuck, a character that didn't scream at all, staring menacingly at the audience, like he was about to tell them how they were going to die.

Audiences were expected to stay for the entire three hours, and anyone that tried to leave in the middle of the performance was stopped by two greased-up, shirtless men.

It was good. But it wasn't "Othello."

4.5/5 stars

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