Local woman Carter Taylor, 22, said she already knows she could never run for president.
The junior strategic communications and entrepreneurship double major said her past online presence would likely be impossible to put behind her in a bid for the United States presidency.
Taylor said she was worried, above all else, that the girl she "straight-up bullied on Club Penguin in third grade" would come forward.
Things got "pretty nasty" between the two, Taylor said, when her boyfriend at the time, Danny Abramson, flirted with the other woman via the children's website.
Taylor also expressed concern over her past behavior on Webkinz.com in elementary school.
"Sometimes Nikki Davis and I would hack into our other friends' accounts to send their special foods to us," Taylor admitted. "But we always played games to earn back the coins we spent, you know? We weren't monsters."
Taylor also mentioned a Tumblr.com account she operated from 2011 to 2013, under the username "eatmyasshansolo."
"I mean, everything on there was pretty vulgar," Taylor said. "Most of it was about Han Solo's ass, or Chris Evans' ass or Tom Hiddleston's ass. Which is gross, because Tom Hiddleston is obviously not hot anymore."
Maybe he never was, Taylor mused, before disclosing that was only her public Tumblr account she was proud to put her name on. There was a private one, too, which she declined to discuss further.
On the bright side, Taylor said, her hundreds of hours spent playing the computer game "Barbie Secret Agent" as a child might calm the American people's nerves. If any foreign leaders decided to design an invisible suit to wear while heisting jewelry, Taylor said, she would be ready.