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'Can't-miss' summer blockbusters (that you can definitely miss)


Do I think this will be as good as "Trainwreck?" Do I think it will even come close? Absolutely not. Will I still go to see it because I want to keep Goldie Hawn working? Absolutely. Say what you will about Amy Schumer, but at least she's finally representing a disadvantaged group onscreen (moderately attractive blonde women). That being said, this was produced by the same people who made "The Heat" and "Spy," so it will likely be the third installment in the "Perfect Movie to Fall Asleep During While Sitting on your Couch" series.

"King Arthur: Legend of the Sword."

Does every movie coming out this summer require a colon in the title? Based on the trailer, this Guy Ritchie-directed epic looks like a pretty dense episode of "Game of Thrones" set to a groovy Led Zeppelin soundtrack. Style aside, the movie seems to star Charlie Hunnam and Jude Law as medieval warriors with present-day haircuts, fighting to rule England? I'm not completely sure, though, because the trailer was so predictable, I zoned out twice during its two-minute runtime.


Where do I even begin? How about with Zac Efron's awful highlights and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's speech about how Baywatch is some elite special ops force that works exclusively from a California beach? I am thoroughly confused about this reboot and its plot points. An attractive woman takes over running a beach and its lifeguards, while a different man encourages The Rock to hire Zac Efron to revive the beach's image? Who decided to give these lifeguards all this responsibility? Why are they involved in a heist? Who is going to see this? Can anyone help?

"Tulip Fever."

Your mom is going to want to see this movie. How do I know this? Because it takes place in 17th-century Amsterdam and features Judi Dench, Christoph Waltz and other esteemed actors with funny accents. Most importantly, it involves an extramarital affair with an artist. You may find yourself enjoying it, considering it's one of the few movies coming out in the next three months that is an original story and not a reboot. To top it off, it does not feature Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson saying "I'm oceanic, motherfucker." Yes, that's how low the bar is now.

"The Mummy."

Okay, so, Tom Cruise is some sort of military man who is aboard a plane that gets crashed by a mummy. Then he wakes up in a body bag in a new world with new gods and monsters, which also happens to be narrated by Russell Crowe. There's a ton of action in the two-minute trailer, so I'm sure Tom Cruise will be back in his "Mission Impossible" groove again, even though we can all agree we'd rather he and Renee Zellweger reboot "Jerry Maguire." Regardless, I will probably see this because Crowe has a middle part in the trailer and that is worth seeing in 3-D.

"Rough Night."

While this night does seem especially rough, I have to wonder why women can't ever seem to just raise a little bit of hell for their bachelorette parties and then go home. Based on movies like these, I'm honestly concerned to attend or throw a bachelorette party for fear that I'm going to accidentally murder someone, then get involved in an international heist. Unless Abbi Jacobson makes a cameo with Ilana Glazer, I would say confidently that this is a movie you can definitely sit out. I will probably fall asleep while watching this on HBO at 2 a.m. in about a year.

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