Everybody knows the Gen Z dating scene is a dumpster fire. The bar for what counts as a good date is truly on the ground, yet some men bring shovels and just continue to dig. Fear not, I, the (not so) humble Stanley have come to save the day and prove I’m better than any of your crusty boyfriends could ever be.
After all, who needs a boyfriend when you could have a big, giant water bottle.
In this essay article, I’ll prove that I’m a much better alternative to a boyfriend because I’m loyal, customizable and can protect you. (You think your boyfriend could use ethos, logos and pathos in an essay? Not without ChatGPT writing it for him, he can’t!)
First, I’m loyal, and I’m not afraid to go everywhere with you. Do you think you would catch your boyfriend at an 8 a.m. pilates class with you? Absolutely not, but I’ll be there, providing hydration and emotional support.
Not only that, I’ll be with you through the whole day. When you’re suffering through your Spanish class, I’ll be there. When you’re waiting for an hour to get your Panera order, I’ll be there. When you’re breaking down in your dorm room because that one professor just does not understand how to use Canvas and the assignment is due at midnight, I’ll be there.
Also, I’m customizable. Your boyfriend, with his fragile male ego, won’t even hold your purse when you go out. Do you really think he would get decked out head-to-toe in hot pink and wear a flower charm? Plus, I’ll already match your phone case and other accessories; a boyfriend takes a minimum of three years of concentrated effort to pick up a halfway-decent sense of style.
I’ll even protect you. You may be wondering how a bulky water bottle can put up a fight, but it’s all about the element of surprise. Let's take a real-life example. Say your boyfriend is ignoring your texts and calls with the excuse that “weekends are for the boys.” All it takes is setting me on a conspicuously open windowsill and then a well-timed “accidental” budge, and I’ll plummet towards his head like his grades after a midterm.
Your musty boyfriend clearly can’t compete with the attention and support you’ll get from me.
Love me. Pick me. Choose me. (See, I’ll even watch “Grey’s Anatomy” with you.)
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