Oxford Singles Bar, February 14th, 4:00 P.M.

In the southwest corner of the southwestern Ohio town of Oxford sits a singles bar, bustling on its busiest day of the year. Singles flock from all over the college town to escape the entrapping horror of couples. But what should be an escape feels more like a purgatory, as the same sorts of people seem to walk through every year. Who are these people? Well I'm glad you asked.

1. Josh "I'm just not interested in a relationship right now, you know" Summerfield

Josh is just not that kind of guy. He is currently more focused on spending time with his fraternity brothers and finding himself than being tied down by some chick. It would honestly be a waste of his time because his time is valuable, and who has time for vulnerability and companionship? As far as he's concerned, he's in a loving relationship with himself, and it's hot.

2. Lindsay "The Missing Link" McLuhan

For some reason, Lindsay just can't seem to keep a guy. She is loving and kind, but for some reason they always leave her. She does all of the right things: She makes sure she knows where her man is, she ensures that no rival females make any sort of power move on her schnookems and she protects her relationship by cutting ties on behalf of her boo. There's some sort of missing factor that dooms these relationships to fail, but Lindsay can't quite put her finger on it.

3. Ron "uses the word 'Madam'" Gurdle

Ron thinks he's here to rescue some down-on-her-luck college sophomore that knows how to look past his appearance into his soul. He's frankly tired of the way he gets treated. She'll be different than the other filthy whores who reject him solely based on his chunky stature or his supposedly weird "thing" for hair. Those dirty sluts don't know what nice is, they don't know what it's like to be cared for by a gentleman. As far as Ron's concerned, they can all die. One day he'll meet his princess that gives him the relationship he "deserves, m'lady.

4. A Mole

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Moles have a tough time finding dates. Not only are they small, but they're also hard of hearing! Many moles miss potential mates simply by not hearing their flirtations. When moles get within miles of each other, they start exchanging thoughts in hopes of attracting the other to their location. However, their psychic powers are nearly useless in the wake of their auditory impairments. This mole is a rather sad example. Here he is, scuttling around a human bar, looking for moles. That's like trying to find a mole in a haystack (Editor's note: Moles are known for their evasiveness).

5. Gregory "(presidential quote)" Crawford

Oh, Greg. Back again this year? I really had high hopes for you this time buddy, maybe next year? Ol' Greg has been coming here for quite some time now, if he had a nickname, that would mean he has friends, but he has no nicknames, so here he is. Renate is at home having a steak dinner with the President of Rutgers while he sits here, sipping his trademark strawberry lemonade with salt around the rim.

bertant@miamioh.edu