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Cereal Arsonist Lights 5th Box of Cheerios on Fire this Week

Pools of milk lay still on the floor of Anderson Hall after Oxford firefighters had to put out yet another box of cheerios that was lit on fire in the downstairs study room.

This is the 5th time a box of cheerios has been set ablaze by the mysterious cereal arsonist this year, not counting the other boxes of cereal that have been desecrated.

"The bastard lit a box of Frosted Flakes on fire just last week," said Officer Tony Tigerson of the Miami University Police Department, "This is not great. Not great at all."

Other boxes include 5 boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, 5 boxes of Apple Jacks, and 5 boxes of Fruit Loops, continuing with the arsonists theme of keeping his breakfasts balanced.

No boxes of Trix have been lit on fire yet, which makes the local law enforcement believe that the perpetrator is an adult.

"What makes these fires troubling is that we need to put them out with Milk," said Oxford Fire Department Captain Jim Crunch, "We are almost completely out of 1% and will soon have to switch over to skim, which no one wants to use."

The act of cereal arson is considered a continental offense as similar crimes have been committed in places like Toronto and Mexico City,

The crime is also, sadly, not that rare in American history, as the crime dates all the way back to the American revolutionary war, when Eggs Benedict Arnold lit a box of Raisin Bran on fire to burn down an American ship.

"I just hope that this cereal arsonist is caught and put to justice." said Oxford City Council Person and Leprechaun Bobby McClaren, "He may have gotten away this time, but I feel as though his lucky charms are just about to run out."

seriomp@miamioh.edu

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