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Miami faces lawsuit because Hodge stepped on Seal

By Joey Hart, Assistant Opinion Editor

President David Hodge confessed Sunday that the likely reason the university is facing a gender discrimination suit is because he stepped on the seal last semester.

"I can assure the entirety of the Miami community that the reason for this suit is not because of any systemic discrimination," Hodge said in a statement Monday. "I just stepped on the Seal. My bad, guys."

Hodge said the damning event occurred late one weekend night during first semester. He explained that he accidentally stumbled onto the Seal while walking back from Uptown to Pulley Diner.

This set off a chain of bad luck that led to February's suit, which alleges that Miami uses discriminatory practices in payment of staff.

Hodge went on to say that he harbors "deep regret" for not immediately rubbing the turtle heads underneath the sun dial overlooking Central Quad to cancel out the infamous curse, an inaction for which he has faced severe criticism.

Matthew Simmons, professor of marketing, said Hodge's actions are "unacceptable for a university president."

"There are some fundamental things that a president should know," Simmons said. "Be cooperative with your staff, respect the student body and of course, don't put a curse on the school by violating an age-old superstition. These are simply the basics."

Sophomore Phillip Pratt said he stands by Hodge's decision to not rub the turtles.

"Everyone knows that fraternities make their pledges pee on those turtles," Pratt said. "I'm not going to condemn a man just because he did what anyone would have done."

Junior Rebecca Mailey said she doesn't necessarily believe the suit originated with a simple campus myth. She explained that she knows multiple couples who have kissed under Upham Arch and later broke up, meaning that such legends perhaps don't have as much credibility as people give them.

"It seems pretty unbelievable to assume that this allegation of discrimination came from anyone stepping on the Seal, even if it was President Hodge," Mailey said. "Maybe we should consider the fact that discrimination does exist in this world."

Simmons, though, was dismissive of any opinion that the curse of stepping on the Seal isn't genuine.

"What are these people going to say next, that Peabody Hall isn't haunted?"

The preceding piece is a work of satire.