Established 1826 — Oldest College Newspaper West of the Alleghenies

Presidential finalist hospitalized after hazing by Miami Board of Trustees

President Crawford
President Crawford

By Joey Hart, For The Miami Student

The following piece is a work of satire.

Miami presidential finalist Gregory Crawford was admitted to McCullough-Hyde Memorial Hospital Saturday night after participating in hazing activities induced by the Board of Trustees.

Well enough to leave the following morning, Crawford said the board told him last week that, as he had not ascended to the position of president yet, he was still considered a "pledge."

"I had always wanted to be part of the leadership of such a great university like Miami," Crawford said. "I guess I was just in over my head about what this whole thing entailed."

Crawford said his hazing began shortly after the decision to name him a finalist for the position of president. He was forced to partake in rituals including giving speeches to alumni in only his underwear, brainstorming fundraising events while standing in the snow and having to recite all of Miami's academic departments while vodka was poured on his face.

It was this last activity, Crawford said, that broke the camel's back.

"I wanted to show them that I could do it, but at the same time I was only on 'Electrical and Computer Engineering' when I started to fade," he said. "They just kept promising me that I would get so many babes when I was eventually president, I just didn't realize how smashed I was."

At that point, several Board members recognized Crawford's dangerous state and drove him to the hospital, where he spent the night.

This incident is just one out of a national trend of college president hazing, with 23 college presidents having required medical assistance due to ritual hazing in the past year alone, up from 16 the previous year, according to a study by Duke University.

Crawford recommended caution for those following his path.

"The advice I would give to other presidential hopefuls is to know what you are getting into first," Crawford said. "All the partying and fun that they say goes along with being president can have a price."

Enjoy what you're reading?
Signup for our newsletter

Comments