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Dear neighbors: Pardon my nosiness, but stop the noisiness

By Graham von Carlowitz, For The Miami Student

Why are you doing that? Why are you constantly shifting the décor of your living room? Your furniture has become more rambunctious than a six-month-old puppy, scratching the floor and moving more often than a group of playful squirrels.

Why are you rearranging the couches like there is some feng shui master coming to evaluate your progress every half-hour? I know that's not why, those guys have so many other things to worry about (i.e. correct pronunciation of their trade).

Is it the perfect angle for watching television that you're chasing? Let me tell you personally, it's not worth your trouble. You're chasing a ghost. In fact, pick up a book on the matter. It will show you that reading can be accomplished regardless of the chair's spatial relation to that mind-numbing television box.

Being the caring neighbor that I set out to be, I have gratuitously yet graciously compiled a list of constructive activities that I would rather catch y'all doing. Take these suggestions seriously, please, as they will also make you sound way more interesting.

Life-sized game of chess: the best case scenario is that, due to the confining nature of chess, you have taken a page out of J.K. Rowling's book and moved to bigger and better things - literally.

I applaud this creative maneuver and certainly expect to hear of other enlargement ventures in the future.

Repurposing the furniture: this one implies some extreme sense of creativity on your part, but I have confidence in anyone that sounds like they're practicing high jumps at 2 in the morning.

With this possibility, I assume you guys are ripping apart those lousy chairs the apartment supplies you with and repurposing them. You could be utilizing the fabric for a television cover, nailing the arms of the old chair to your bed frame (Bed arms? That's brilliant), taking the springs and gluing them to your new moon boots. The list goes on and on.

Working on a time machine: I understand the unlikelihood of obtaining the ingredients for a flux capacitor, but likelihood shmiklihood. Creative thinkers like Jules Verne didn't care about limitations, and the Wright Brothers would have flown into some brick walls if unlikelihood ever broached their vernacular.

If you are truly building one of those doo-hickeys, then I first understand your hesitance to tell the truth when I knocked on your door. When the stakes are that high and secrecy is more important than showering (the room reeked, just saying), I'm sure all visitors seem like the CIA, FBI, NFL or whatever. Second, I want in.

Please. I am a reliable popcorn popper and can do many other things to entertain - like accidentally spill boiling water on my skin or nip one of my fingers while pointlessly chopping some vegetables. Most of the entertaining comes from injuring myself, but my 2-year-old niece is living proof that self-injury is the easiest way to be funny.

So whaddaya say? Even if the time machine is a hoax and the noise is all stemming from an intense and infinite game of musical chairs or the construction of an apartment bowling alley, I can still offer my violent entertainment services.

I take writing letters seriously, so please get back to me as soon as possible (or before I write this letter, if you know what I mean). I can learn Morse code if necessary, but I'd prefer to keep it simple and A.I.M. you.

With a piqued curiosity,

Your neighbor and possible accomplice.