McDonald's man unconscious at drive-thru
At 11:44 a.m., March 31, OPD responded to the McDonald's drive-thru, 601 S. Locust St., to a report of a motionless driver slumped over his steering wheel.
The caller was idling behind the unconscious driver when a McDonald's employee ventured into the drive-thru lane to check on the man who had ordered but not yet moved toward, paid for or received his McMeal.
Finding him unresponsive, the employee reached through the open driver's side window and shook him awake. Newly conscious and without solicitation, the man handed the employee his car keys and proceeded to amble toward Foxfire Drive. As the bewildered employee was unsuccessfully attempting to adjust the seat in the maroon Buick and move it forward, the suspect came running back, demanded his keys, poured himself back into his car and sped away.
Responding officers eventually intercepted and stopped the suspect in his vehicle near UDF, 101 W. High St. When asked for license and registration, the suspect animatedly patted his pockets and then reached into the glove box, handing the officer his insurance information. Again, the officer asked for the suspect's driver's license and again the suspect fruitlessly patted his pockets, eventually finding his wallet splayed in the passenger seat beside him.
The officer asked the suspect if he was aware of the concern he generated having passed out over his steering wheel in the middle of the drive-thru lane at lunchtime. "Yes." Further, the officer asked the suspect if he recalled silently handing his keys to the McEmployee. The suspect said yes, but could not remember why.
According to the officer, the suspect smelled of alcohol. When asked if he had been drinking, the suspect said he had been at Sushi Nara, therein having consumed "a few" drinks. When asked to define "a few," the subject said, "a couple." He stated he was going to see a "girl around the corner."
The suspect cartoonishly failed the field sobriety tests. When asked to walk a straight line, he prematurely started thrice before taking eight steps yet counting to nine, all the while swaying in small circles. According to OPD, he displayed four cues for alcohol and one for drugs.
At OPD, the suspect refused a breath test and was cited for Driving While Under the Influence of Alcohol/Drugs.
Unchained: Under steals deli tip jar
At 2:31 a.m. OPD responded to Bagel and Deli, 119 E. High St., in response to a stolen tip jar.
According to OPD, the suspect struggled with and eventually ripped from the counter a tip jar containing $38.25, which was secured by wire and a clasp. Drunk, the suspect fumbled long enough maneuvering the jar under his light-colored button-down shift for another patron to record him doing so on his cellphone. Why the customer decided to videotape the crime rather than do a single thing about it is unclear, OPD said.
The co-owner of the establishment was behind the counter, noticed the laughably conspicuous thief, chased him outside and recovered the tip jar without altercation, though the suspect hurled obscenities, according to OPD.
OPD arrived soon after and identified a man matching the alleged thief's description urinating on a tree near Slant Walk. OPD said the suspect's inebriation was immediately evident when he, startled, had an impossible time zipping his fly.
When asked for ID, the suspect plopped his cellphone into the officer's hand. It was returned. The officer asked again, and again the suspect gave the officer his cellphone. On the third attempt, the suspect gave the officer a driver's license indicating he was 19. The suspect, reeking of booze and slurring his motions as much as his words, was placed in the back of the cruiser.
When the officer returned with the Bagel Shop co-owner who had stopped the suspect, he noticed a wet, wadded up $5 bill guiltily squatting beside the suspect in the back seat. Upon further inspection, $12.75 was found in the suspect's front pocket.
"I f**ked up," the suspect said.
He didn't know the half of it, because officers had just discovered a fictitious New York driver's license in his wallet bearing his correct picture, name, address, day and month of birth, but a year that suggested he was 23.
The suspect was charged with Offenses Involving Underage Persons, Disorderly Conduct: Intoxication/Offensive Behavior, Certain Acts Prohibited and Theft. He was taken to Butler County Jail.