Opinion | I hate everyone: reasons why resentment is beyond acceptable
If the Shew Fits
Published: Monday, August 20, 2012
Updated: Monday, August 20, 2012 22:08
Everyone knows someone who is their Grinch. The worm to their apple. The 5 percent iPhone battery when they want to go running.
Well, well, well ladies and gentlemen, I am that person. I hate everyone. And by everyone, no I do not just mean a select group of people that I shall redefine as everyone, and by hate no I don’t mean psycho-stalker, Hannibal Lector (is he hateful or just cannibalistic?) hate.
I’m just saying that in general, there are people that I just generally dislike, on an apathetic, generally general basis.
Here is a short breakdown of the groups of people that comprise the “everyone” I hate and why I hate them.
1. Small Children. I want kids at some point, but they scare me. They’re evil. They’re tiny, adorable, sticky evil.
If they’re not crying or yelling or whining, they’re silent, manically plotting the end of the world via crayon. I’m not sure which is worse.
2. Females of the age 18-23. This is my own category; therefore is somewhat self-loathing. That’s apparently unhealthy.
Anyway, they consider every guy who buys them a drink as a possible future husband. They don’t drink beer because it’s “too many calories.”
They wear three inch skirts in January. They think a text that says “hi” means “I want to date you” and a text that says “Oh” means “I have started having relations with your sorority sister, it’s over.”
They think if they’re not married by 23, they might as well just get a few cats and a one bedroom apartment and call it quits. They try to look cute while working out.
3. Old people. I admire most old people for the things they went through and what they’ve done to create what my generation has, but seriously.
They smell funny (it’s scientifically proven, look it up). They’re either grouchy or adorable, and either way it’s distracting. They drive like maniacs.
4. Adults. This is a sweeping generalization for anyone 25-50 who interacts with me.
They ask too many questions, like “Oh, are you dating?” “When do you graduate?” “What are you doing after graduation?” Enough with questioning my existence and life plan. And I’ve told you thirty times what my major is.
5. People who are in love in public. They make me squirm uncomfortably in small communal spaces where they are salivating all over each other.
They remind me that I am single. They make casual scenarios instantly bloated with awkwardness.
They have no respect for spatial boundaries. They cause me to develop premature wrinkles from scowling so heavily.
6. Teenagers. They horrify me, in all shapes and forms. They wear scary clothing. They are in a constant state of loud and arrogant and odorous. They have angst and hormones.
They are awkward. They make out in backseats in grocery store parking lots in the daytime (I witnessed this personally last week). They make sudden movements.
7. Most pregnant people. I admire them immensely for being able to create tiny humans, and look good doing it, but they make me nervous.
They could go into labor at any moment, and this makes me concerned, because I always wonder what I would do to help, since I know nothing about childbirth.
They can get people to give them any kind of food at any hour, and chalk it up to weird pregnancy cravings. I envy this. I aspire to be them someday. Then the self-loathing shall continue. Perfect.
8. Babies. I blame my little brothers for this. Like small children, they’re adorable but dangerous. They swiftly ruin outfits with their bodily fluids.
They’re much louder than their size would indicate. They’re deceptively cute from a distance. They grow into small children, which is scary. They then grow into teenagers, which is more scary.
9. Males of the age 18-23. Obvious. They’re entirely obnoxious. They find living in a state of horrific squalor appealing.
They gyrate against us in bars and grab our behinds and think we like it. They think a text that says “Hi” means “I want to have sex with you right now.”
They keep their teenager smell, ew. They don’t ever tell you when they actually like you. Like babies, they’re deceptively cute from a distance.
More specifically, I hate:
1, People who are always happy. Does nothing bad ever happen to them?! EVER? Why is your world filled with hearts, stars and horseshoes and unicorns?
Your glittery sugary life makes me sick and confused. Also, you cause me to have frequent existential crises… should I be happy all the time? How does that even happen? Am I missing something here??
2. People who look pretty all the time. And I don’t mean like every time they dress nicely and go out.
No, I’m talking about the people that look radiant in sweatshirts when it’s raining. Kate Middleton, this means you. Stop making the rest of the world feel bad.
3. People who have amazing metabolisms and genetics. Stop eating cookie dough and lounging around in skimpy clothing to remind me how shallow my gene pool was.
Oh you’re prone to aging gracefully? Sweet, go away.
4. People who are apathetic. These are the crème de la crème of people I hate.
They say that politics just aren’t “their thing” and have no interest in discussion beyond what liquor they’re drinking this weekend. Come on. Be an individual and learn about stuff.
Care about politics, the economy, the state of the world; all of a sudden we’ll be the ones making decisions about it.