Experts befuddled by student's sexiness
Every year People magazine researches hundreds of sexy men in the hopes of crowning the Sexiest Man Alive. We at Amusement have reason to believe it often overlooks some of America's best talent, sexiness-wise, and are justifying this by having our own Sexiest Man Alive. We are pleased to announce that our first ever Sexiest Man Alive is none other than the sexy, the talented, the sexy STEVEN MULLAN!!!!
If you have found yourself staring shamelessly at a particularly sexy young man reminiscent of a Greek god, then you have fallen victim to Steven Mullan, Sexiest Man Alive. This 22-year-old Toledo native is a senior at Miami University and graces our campus with his sexiness every day, making the grass greener, the sun brighter and buses timelier.
Double majoring in voice performance and music composition, this music aficionado is at Miami on a full music scholarship and will be graduating summa cum laude in May. He may not have watched Wishbone or the 27 Land Before Time films, but he's one smart cookie. Mullan spent a summer in Lucca, Italy, studying through the Cincinnati Conservatory of Music, and he also knows how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Mmmm, sexy.
When Mullan is not breaking hearts with his golden smile, this sexy beast is either playing accordion in the Klezmer Ensemble, owning the intramural volleyball and basketball courts, modeling in Cosmopolitan magazine or performing uptown with The Steve Mullan Band-a collection of talented musicians that don't play your typical jam band instruments. (I hope you caught that he modeled in Cosmopolitan magazine, because that is a true story and testament to his sexiness.)
Mullan's also had the opportunity to perform with jazz legend Dave Brubeck and Oscar winner A.R. Rahman - you know, the guy from Slumdog Millionaire who just won those awards for that music stuff he wrote. Since I'm already in a hyperventilated ramble about Mullan's sexiness, I should add he produced radio and TV jingles for shows in Toledo and has landed multiple roles in musicals and operas, including Bobby Strong in Miami's production of Urinetown, which is now playing.
I, me, Anna Turner, got the chance to sit down with Mullan and ask him some invaluable questions that reach right down into his soul and reveal his true sexiness to the world.
Amusement: What is your least favorite form of U.S. currency?
Steven Mullan: Pennies. I hate pennies. Hate them. If I'm down $3,000 dollars when I die because I threw out a couple pennies here and there, I won't care. I hate pennies. Absolutely hate them.
A: Is the cello a sexy instrument?
SM: Yes. If you can play the cello, you're the man ... or woman. It's just such a sweet instrument.
A: What is the best invention since sliced bread?
SM: Um ... Spice drops. They're like gum drops only ... Or no, what's a better one? Let's come back to that.
A: Does C-SPAN turn you on?
SM: No. Not at all. You know what channel does turn me on? The Miami Channel. Especially when there's random music playing and some slideshow from, like, 1995.
A: If you got to have dinner with three of the characters from Clue, who would you choose?
SM: Mr. Green, because he just looks cool. Colonel Mustard, because I really like mustard. And Miss Scarlet, because she looks good. She's a looker. Is it Miss Scarlet or Ms.? If this is Clue after the 1970s, it would be Ms. Scarlet.
The best invention since sliced bread ... would be Orange Glo. The cleaning stuff.
A: If you had to post on FML.com, what would you post?
SM: Today, I was going to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at Harris Dining Hall, and I go to toast the bread because I wanted it to be toasted. So, I toast the bread and then I find out there's no peanut butter. At all. So, I decide that I'll have broccoli and dip. So, I get my broccoli and the ranch is all out. So I suppose I would say "F my life" ... I have a tough life.
A: Which Care Bear do you most identify with?
SM: ALL OF THEM!!! Every single one of them!!! These two ... on the front of my Care Bears folder ... Although, I think every single Care Bear is the coolest cartoon character.
A: If you could invent your own Lunchables, what would it be?
SM: Choose Your Own Adventure Lunchables. That would be cool.
A: If you had a time machine that only moved forward at regular speed, where would you go?
SM: Home Depot. I don't really like Home Depot, and I don't know how to use anything at Home Depot, but it seems like a good answer. Then I would go to Harris and get peanut butter because they actually have some today.
The best invention since sliced bread would be a wiffle ball, I think.
The sexiness of Mullan is unparalleled not just at Miami, but everywhere else, EVER. Not even Edward Cullen can compare. Yeah, I said it. And it's TRUE.
If you think you can handle Mullan's sexiness, catch him in Urinetown April 9-11 and 16-19, uptown at CJ's with The Steve Mullan Band April 25, or performing at the Dance Theatre concert April 25 and 26. You better catch him soon, because his sexy self is off to New York next fall to take the entertainment industry by storm. A sexy storm.
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