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Miami hockey, Oxford reduce to rubble

By Joe Gieringer
On April 1, 2014

This story is satirical 

In a controversial move, Miami University has decided to disband its hockey program. The decision comes in light of the RedHawks' first losing season since the Great Debacle of 1999, when, fearing the potential Y2K fallout, Miami canceled the second half of its schedule.

Early reports of campus-wide rioting have come in, with conservative estimates of the damage placed somewhere in the tens of millions as hordes of drunken and angry students have begun laying waste to Oxford.

The decision came down early Tuesday morning after the administration determined that the shame of failing to appear in the NCAA Tournament for the first time in nine years was too much to bear. It added that the fact that Miami (15-20-3) came within one game of earning an automatic NCAA Tournament bid in the NCHC Championship was "so heartbreaking that the Board will never watch a hockey game ever again, collegiate or otherwise."

"It is with heavy hearts that we must end this historic program that has been a point of pride since its inception in 1978," a Miami press release stated. "Though it has been our university's most prolific athletic team for the past decade, the shame of not competing in the NCAA Tournament this year is just too much. My thoughts and prayers are with the coaches, players, and fans, and their futures."

The initial reactions from players have ranged from shocked, to uncertain, to downright relieved.

"It's crazy," junior captain Austin Czarnik said. "I can't imagine life without hockey, and I still have a year of eligibility. I guess I'll have to transfer somewhere ... I just hope someone is crazy enough to take a chance on a former-Hobey Baker Finalist like myself."

Other teammates, like former linemate Blake Coleman, expressed concern over the news, as apparently no one informed him of the decision until he took the podium.

"Wait, this isn't an April Fools joke?" the junior asked, bewildered. "And I missed like half of my last season as a RedHawk, too. That's bulls***."

Others, like sophomore Kevin Morris, actually looked for a silver lining in the otherwise terrible news. The RedHawk forward and member of the All-Academic NCHC Team has been worrying about his grades since stepping on campus his freshman year.

"Honestly, hockey is just something I do when I'm not spending all night in the library," the Massena, N.Y. native said. "Academia is my real passion, so I'm not too worried."

Associate head coach Brent Brekke was on-hand to give a statement from the coaching staff.

"Well, you win some and you lose some," the fifth year bench manager explained. "We've just got to do what we can as a family moving forward. The Brotherhood is a strong group ... well, actually I guess this means I'm out of a job. And now I have to update my resume? Yeah, this sucks."

Oddly enough, 15-year head coach Enrico Blasi was absent from the early morning press conference and no information on his whereabouts was given, though janitors reported hearing muffled sobs from his darkened office as early as 5:35 a.m.


As far as Blasi's future is concerned, it's anyone's guess. Several USCHO writers claim that at least 33 NCAA programs have contacted him with openings, though other reports indicate that he's been secretly brushing up on his Italian via night classes on campus and could be headed overseas to coach Elite.A team HC Fassa. The most reliable information, however, has come from several inside sources who believe that Blasi will give up hockey completely to pursue his dream of becoming a Tibetan monk and llama herder.

At the time of publication, the National Guard has been called in to quell the riots and McCullough-Hyde has been closed due to its inability to help anyone. Miami hockey jerseys will be auctioned later today to help pay for the damage caused by what's now being referred to as the "Oxford Insurrection." Bidding on the game-worn items will start at $100,000.

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