Post Classifieds

ASG votes to relocate MU campus to Miami, Florida

By Reis Thebault & Emily C. Tate
On April 1, 2014

This is a satirical piece. 

In an emergency meeting last night, Associated Student Government (ASG) met to discuss Senate bill 137.3, a resolution to relocate Miami University's main campus to Miami, Fla.

After hours of deliberation, the bill drew bipartisan support, passing unanimously.

Initially, several ASG members were hesitant about the proposition.

"I was really unsure about it at first, to be honest," Secretary for Off-Campus Affairs Ari Frum said. "I just burn really easily and I don't want to break the bank on all that SPF 75."

While others on the board voiced similar concerns, President Charlie Schreiber, while wearing sunglasses, explained the logic behind his idea. He reportedly got the idea from President David Hodge.

"He texted me last night saying he just got back from Clearwater Beach," Schreiber said. "I guess it reminded him how much he loves Florida and he didn't want to come back to Oxford."

The Miami Student was able to obtain a copy of the text message.

"Wassup?! Bro I just got back from Clearwater. Had a legendary SB2K14. Man, I've been thinking ... we should convince everyone to move the campus to Florida. TBH I thought it was the Miami in Florida when I accepted this job lol."

After mulling it over for several days and checking Oxford, Ohio weather forecasts, Schreiber agreed.

"Well first of all, I think we can all agree that we didn't sign up for this Ohio weather," Schreiber said. "Plus, who doesn't like sun, palm trees and fresh-squeezed OJ?"

These arguments effectively quelled disagreement and all senators rallied around the idea.

According to ASG Secretary for Alumni Affairs Conor Nelson, the idea is already generating much positive feedback from the alumni community, including some of Miami's most prestigious graduates.

A source close to aspiring presidential candidate Paul Ryan ('92) revealed the congressman's campaign team has recently shifted its focus from the 2016 election to the relocation of Ryan's alma mater.

Student response was positive as well.

"Hopefully I'll have some classes on the beach," said sophomore Eamonn Walsh. "Then I'll finally be able to wear my Patagonia Speedo."

Preparations for the transition will begin at the end of April.

"We foresee the entire relocation process taking approximately two to three years," Hodge said

As the months pass and buildings are moved to their new campus, students will find themselves without academic buildings and classrooms. As a result, the university will rent portable campers to house student learning, effective at the start of the 2014-2015 academic school year.

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