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Opinion | Satirical take on a current policy crisis: Surrender Ukraine to Putin

By Riley Kane
On March 11, 2014

In the west, many condemn Putin's actions. Perhaps they haven't gotten the big picture; please allow me to elucidate.

In the long run, Putin's seizure of Crimea, and hopefully all of Ukraine, will make the world a better place. He's doing the U.S. a great favor. Ukraine is a very troubled country and, most importantly, annexation is what its population wants. Once Russia takes Ukraine off our hands, maybe it will snatch other Post-Soviet countries too. With all the support I've been seeing in the Russian news for Putin, I'm amazed he even bothered to send protesters from Russia to start pro-Moscow rallies in Ukraine.

The coming referendum in Crimea will show great support for joining Russia. Not only are Russian troops preventing Ukrainian Neo-Nazi-Fascist-Ultranationalist thugs from threatening Crimeans, but also, as anyone following politics knows, elections in Russian lands are historically fair. Even in Chechnya, a region torn by civil strife where there is open rebellion against Russia, 99.59 percent of the population turned out to vote and voted 99.82 percent in favor of Putin. In fact, elections were so safe that in one Chechen precinct 107 percent of the people were able to vote. If only electoral participation were that high in America. These statistics should allay the unfounded fears that the referendum will be "illegal" or "illegitimate." Everyone in Crimea will be able to safely vote under Russian protection, and probably even the occupying soldiers and imported Russian protesters.

That's why the talk from the West is highly offensive; the Russian government is fair and completely in the right. Why stop Putin from using force to reunite Russian peoples with their Motherland? After all, when has that justification been a problem before? Putin is just protecting oppressed Russians. In 2008, he invaded to stop the villainous Georgians from harming their Russian minorities. Today, he does the same against the Ukrainian Neo-Nazi-Fascist-Ultranationalists, and someday he may need to protect Estonian Russians (who make up 24 percent of the nation's population) from exploitation by brutal Neo-Nazi-Fascist-Ultranationalist Estonian marauders. Perhaps, he could even need to intervene in the United States, as our countless Neo-Nazi-Fascist-Ultranationalists can't wait to persecute the 3 million Russians in America.

I welcome Putin's example and call on all nations to do the same. China ought to act to protect the world's ethnic Chinese, especially those in Taiwan. And I call too on Mexico, to protect the rights of the millions of Mexican immigrants languishing in poverty or prisons in the United States. Mexico, China and any nation with a border dispute or an expatriate population should, and hopefully will, heed Russia's example and build up armies to press other nations for their rightful lands and their people's rights.

Since Ukraine is an economic catastrophe, it's better for us that Russia takes it and shoulders those burdens. Since we're just climbing out of a recession ourselves, it would be best not to impose any sanctions or do something else that might risk upsetting global markets. And, because our wealth is more important than upholding international law, preventing aggression or ensuring human rights, we shouldn't risk it for any of those silly things. Not to mention, if other countries militarize, as I suggested, the U.S. could make a tidy profit selling weapons. Everyone wins.

I applaud Putin's actions. The man is kindly helping relieve America of its need to care for the world. Let a new era of isolation dawn! The world can be free of brutal American imperialism, and we can finally go back to minding our own business, like the good old days before 1941. The outside world rarely bothers us, why should we bother it? Everyone can solve their problems however they'd like: war, genocide, you name it! It isn't our place to get involved. We'll need to keep an eye on South America, but leave Asia to China, Eurasia to Russia, ignore Europe and let the Middle Easterners and Africans sort out their differences among themselves. Who cares what happens to them? They're not Americans. Hopefully we will do the right thing and appease Russia's desires, as the world will greatly benefit. Then western leaders can return home to declare, "We have achieved peace in our time."


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