Miami Student

Issue date: 1/30/07 Section: Editorials

Upon returning to Ohio I was faced with the prospect of living at home as I got my life back together. Because this thought was only slightly more appealing than attempting to abort my own colon with a coat hanger, I decided to move back to my old stomping grounds of Oxford. I called up a buddy, who shall be referred to here only as "Phil," and told him that since he was also a post-college disaster, we should get an apartment and be useless to society and depressing for people to talk about together. "Phil" has higher aspirations than myself, as he is planning to find himself a rich wife this semester - one who will set him up for life while fulfilling all of his fantasies (for "Phil" this only means finding a girl willing to wear some type of Ohio State sports jersey while they fornicate - as for him seeing a name like "Ginn" or "Oden" during coitus is the equivalent of a methamphetamine and Viagra cocktail delivered by syringe directly to his genitals).

Luckily enough for you, Miami, while my personal life may be in shambles, and everyone I have ever loved is no longer returning my phone calls because they can clearly see the self-destructive downward spiral of depraved glory I've begun, you need not worry: Your fix of Markley will be sated. Aside from my travel memoir, a tome I shall call A Land I Saw in My Dreams: One Hedonistic College Grad's Personal and Political Journey Across the Excoriated Landscape of the American Dream in the Final Years of the Reign of Bush, there is the brand new Web site www.stephenmarkley.com, where beginning Friday, Feb. 16, my column will continue.

Why start your own Web site, you might ask? Aside from the vanity and narcissism, you might add? Putting aside the fact that almost no one knows who you are and outside of about 16 of your college friends and your own mommy, no one cares what you think about the Iraq war, gay marriage, or anything else, you may adjoin?

The sad fact is the Web site and bi-weekly column are not for you - although I do hope you become a faithful reader - they're for me. I sit around all day with these thoughts of greatness running through my head - everything from rage at the Bush administration (of which I have a lot) to jokes involving professor Mike DeWine and uncircumcised feral dogs (oh man, that is a good one). I guess like Henry David Thoreau, Maya Angelou and Bill O'Reilly, I simply have too much genius to not let the world in on a little.

So check out the site, Miami. Tell your friends, tell your parents and I'll let you in on a little secret: It was somewhere in the empty wasteland between El Paso and San Antonio that I thought of how hilarious shooting meth and Viagra into a penis could be, and decided that somehow, someway I needed a way to share that with the world.

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