Miami Student

The Christmas holiday is crap! That's right, I said it. You all can go ahead and kiss my Halloween-loving ass. This magical time of year is all just one big steaming pile covered in tinsel and lights, wrapped up in propaganda, and placed under the ultra-flammable tree, that you're too stupid to water. Over the years Christmas has been warped more than the Starship Enterprise, morphing from a celebration of pine trees, to an annual Florida vacation, and back to trees. Note that I don't refer to this month-long shopping debauchery as the "holiday season," for that would be gross misuse of the word season. …

There's something I have to clear up. Due to some editorial cleansing, at the end of one of my previous columns it sounded like I was apologizing to members of a conservative Web site for an even earlier column about Ann Coulter. Let me make something abundantly clear: I would sooner (insert something overtly perverse here) than apologize to those reactionary geeks. What was cut from that concluding statement was that I would apologize to them by promising to cuddle with a certain presidential daughter after performing certain illicit acts. My editor (a real good guy), assured me that the line was excellent, but with all the phone calls and e-mails they received from "administrators" after the original column ran, he just couldn't leave it in. At a staff party I pointed out to said editor and another editor, that this was coming from the kids who wrote about legalizing incest and masturbating with the wrong hand, respectively. …

In less than a month I"ll be on my way to Europe to spend four months in Luxembourg. During the past semester I"ve received tons of advice about life overseas. What to eat, where to visit, how to stay safe - and how to camouflage being from the United States. Although Lux itself seems pretty welcoming, it"s pretty evident that Americans - specifically those from the United States - typically aren"t received with loving arms in most of Europe. …