Miami Student

Over three years have passed since I formally declared a two-pronged war against my liver and my parent's bank account and I find that I am coming ever closer to realizing that I probably won't have a job when I graduate. And when I say "probably" I mean that I have a better chance of being invited to a sleepover at Neverland Ranch than actually finding a job. Perhaps I'm looking in all the wrong places. Perhaps I don't need a job. Perhaps I simply need to fall bass akwards into money. Thus as of right now, during my first semester of my final year of college, I am dropping my major to pursue my Mrs. Degree. Rather than earn legitimate money as a panhandling hobo, I could explore a career in professional gold digging. I've given this matter a considerable amount of thought and my options are endless. …

It's a college student's paradise. Thirty juicy, mouth-watering sandwiches for only $13.99. Their rich flavor and texture have amazed and inspired generations of college students. I'm talking about a place that is a haven for late night munchies runs. I'm talking about a place where a man can truly get that feeling of getting what he wants. Oh yes, I'm talking about White Castle. I guess I should first explain the spectacle that is White Castle. It is a crappy little third-rate fast food franchise that has actually been in existence longer than McDonald's. I personally was unaware that it was still in business until coming down to school last year. If the fast food industry was structured like a food chain, White Castle would probably be like the second cousin to the Dodos; it refuses to stop kickin'. Anyway, White Castle became famous for their "Slyder" specials and innovative five holes that are cut into each and every little hamburger patty. The unique brand of Americana has attracted many an unsuspecting customer to its drive-thru window. Oh yes, I was that person. Now you may be thinking, "Oh well this is just another rant about some guy's favorite fast food joint." No, no this is not just a rant because White Castle is not just a "fast food joint" brother; it is way more than that. It is an experience of delectable proportions, because once you bite into that first slyder, you'll feel the sensation. As the warm, soft bun melts in your mouth, you will savor the richness of the flavor of which those flavor crystals in the burger are meant to provide. You will not need some special sauce or grilling technique to satisfy your craving because you can only be really completed with a whole crave case of those tasty little burgers sitting in your stomach. The sensation of satisfaction will overcome you, assuming that you are making the voyage to burger paradise after about 1 a.m. or so. …

It turns out George W. Bush is a uniter. He's united the notoriously finicky Democrats. He's united most of the world's countries against the United States. He's even united musical acts as diverse as Bruce Springsteen, Dave Matthews, Jurassic 5, and the Dixie Chicks into a tour busy barnstorming through the swing states in the month before the election. The tour, called "Vote for Change" presumably because the "Bush is a Neo-Conservative Tool Bag with a View of the World Only Slightly More Oversimplified than the Plot of a Vin Diesel Movie" tour would be difficult to fit on the back of a T-shirt, kicked off this week in Ohio. The heart and soul of the tour, Springsteen, opened in Cleveland on Oct. 2, coincidentally my 21st birthday, further proving that no matter what the born-again Christians say, God loves my sinning, fornicating, gay-marriage loving ass. …