In many ways uptown Oxford on a weekend night is a trip to the safari, jungle or zoo.
Allow me to introduce one of my favorite hobbies - drunk watching.
It's a constant form of entertainment to watch the men and women of Miami University embarrass themselves, but at the same time the uncanny resemblance to animals like monkeys, horses and wolves is a little jaw-dropping and a bit scary.
Haven't seen the resemblance yet? Let me paint you a picture …
Asserting dominance
While I was strolling High Street Aug. 28, I came across a pack of males. Observing from the sidelines, I saw one stout male ogling a passing female. As she passed, the male literally puffed out his chest, resembling gorillas that will beat their chests to dissuade any rivals from encroaching on their territory. Surprisingly the woman wasn't turned on by this act of chivalry.
Other men will assert their dominance by becoming territorial over "their women." This usually ends in a fight, commonly outside of Brick Street. Others when confronted will spit, a characteristic often seen in camels.
Sept. 11, I was outside the Blue Room when a truck drove by, numerous times mind you, announcing its arrival each time with a Dixieland car horn like in The Dukes of Hazzard. The best part was when a truck of similar dismay revved by, surely jealous of that sweet, sweet horn.
This reminds me of a recent Hummer advertisement, in which a tofu-eating man feels incompetent in the grocery line while standing next to a meat-wielding man. The first man overcompensates for his seemingly lacking masculinity by purchasing an H3. The advertisement ends with a simple
"Restore Your Manhood." The advertisement has since been changed to say "Restore the Balance" to appease angry viewers.
The motto "Restore Your Manhood" seems fitting for the majority of males aged 19 to 24 roaming Oxford … but they always seem to fall just an inch or maybe two short.
Packs work together
The main reason for wolves traveling in packs is to become more effective as hunters.
I got a glimpse of this behavior while on the back stairs of the Balcony Bar. It was during one of the fabulous '80s Nights that while getting some air outside, I witnessed a small pack of four males walking up the stairs.
The males were discussing their prey for the night.
"I'll take the ugly one because I don't want to put forth a lot of effort tonight," one male said to the rest of the pack.
Now if that's not the subordinate male embracing his lower-rank, I don't know what is.
That's similar to when the alpha wolf gets to eat first after a kill, the alpha male at Miami gets first pick of the ladies.
This leads me right into another behavior of wolf packs that Miami is ridden with - the role of the dominant and the submissive. While enjoying late-night slice(s) of Bruno's Pizza, a group of "bros" was play-fighting, teetering on the edge of a testosterone overdose.
Even if they had intelligent thoughts, I wouldn't be able to hear them over the rattling of their antlers.
Ladies aren't off the hook
Not much needs to be said to ridicule Miami girls, they do it pretty well on their own.
While drinking coffee on High Street I couldn't help but hear the distant sound of horses coming down the street. When I turned, I was disappointed to see in place of glorious, strong animals trotting down the road, a gaggle of girls whose resemblance to horses went far beyond their teased, product-stressed hair and right down to their clacking heels, which few know how to don with grace.
That reminds me of one of the favorite things I've seen uptown in my years at Miami.
While outside the Blue Room, which if you haven't noticed is one of my favorite bars (insert shameless plug), I saw a girl who walked exactly like a chicken! Not much else to say than that, but with her too-high heels and what looked like a sprained ankle, she walked with the gait of a squawking fowl.
In the end, we are all mammals and admittedly I will respond to the call of the wild on occasion, but let's try to keep it classy, Miami.
