As the community editor for The Miami Student I often receive information about what's going on around Oxford before everybody else.
These thrilling tips can include information about the next apartment complex construction project, when a new store, restaurant or bar is opening (yes, I am somehow on the Chipotle press release list serv) or my personal favorite: information I receive from companies across the country about their latest and greatest product I should publicize to the readers of The Student - the most recent being the "TredDesk," a height-adjustable work station that attaches to an existing treadmill so people can exercise while at work and ultimately curb the rising obesity rates … at an affordable price, of course.
But I digress.
Of all the news I read and hear about, it is that blessed stack of police reports I read every Monday and Thursday before we go to print that really make me go crazy.
How can people be so stupid?
Although it has only been one year since our former police beat reporter, the hilarious Caroline Briggs, offered her advice to Miami University students about how to avoid being printed in the police beat, let alone getting arrested, I feel her points must be reiterated.
I read dozens of reports twice a week that the Oxford Police Department distributes to its two main media outlets, The Student and The Oxford Press. Don't get me wrong, a chunk of the reports involve more than just Miami students passing out on lawns or urinating in an alley and address more serious issues such as domestic violence, disruptive juveniles, suicide attempts or telecommunications harassment. However, we only have space for precisely 600 words in the police beat column, which totals to an average of three police reports per issue. It is the three police reports we deem the most interesting and/or outrageous that get printed.
So, please, I beg of you average Miami student who chooses to drink and/or abuse drugs, read my following compilation of thoughts I've collected during the past year about how to avoid being even more stupid.
First, I want to address the underage student population. Do not lie about your name, age or even where you are from to the police. They will find out the truth whether you like it or not. The police department has access to a system that will tell them if the person on your I.D. exists. And don't you dare hand them your fake I.D. first when they ask for identification. The truth will set you free. Well, not entirely since you are drinking as a minor, but at least you won't get cited for misrepresentation or possession of a fake I.D., unless they find your fake I.D. in your wallet or sock or something.
Next, DON'T RUN. You are not faster than a trained police officer, some of whom have bikes or Segways and can even call for backup from officers in their vehicles. Also, running from a police officer can often lead to an additional obstructing official business citation.
Boys and girls (believe it or not), if you think you have to pee, do it in a proper toilet.
First of all, ew. Second, the most embarrassing part for you is that if you are publicly urinating, you are most likely going to be caught in the act and less likely going to finish zipping up your pants. That's going to be printed.
And last, but certainly not least, if you begin to fade, go home, and please not by yourself. I would be willing to bet you do not want to wake up to a police officer shining a flashlight in your eye to see if you are unconscious and find out you are pants-less in a car wash.
I'm going to spare you the rest of my sermon even though I could go on forever. But I would like to leave you with one final thought: The police have better things they could be doing with their time to take more harmful criminals off the streets than spending the wee hours of the morning finding that you vomited all over the floor in St. Mary's Church. Don't be stupid. The least you could do is find a trash can.
