Before I begin writing my last column for The Miami Student, I must respond to Ross Flynn's letter to the editor published April 21. I do not wish to judge the contents of Flynn's letter, as I am not a College Republican nor am I a College Democrat, but rather as a College Independent, a group that does not have a large enough budget to even fund the distribution of one toy water pistol. In his letter, Flynn decided to use the term "the jig is up." Flynn was obviously influenced by the tag line of my column. I have no choice but to begin legal proceedings against Flynn for use of this phrase that he has plagiarized from me (although I plagiarized it from "The Limo" episode of Seinfeld, and that episode plagiarized it most likely from general mainstream colloquialisms). A victory in this lawsuit will be a victory for copyright law across the country, and in addition, will help to cover the exceedingly growing costs of the sexual harassment lawsuit being brought against me that I mentioned in my last column.
Now that the business of the day has been handled, I have no choice but to write about my final days here at Miami University since they are so pivotal. It is the moment in which I will pass from four years of great academic achievement into a world of unemployment and starvation. As a graduating senior, I have become a popular fellow on this campus. I have already received invitations to four separate commencement-related activities. While these invitations are an honor, I have had to turn most of them down purely based on the fact that I don't want to wear a suit for more than a few hours. That could explain why the odds of unemployment and starvation are getting better.
When I began to write this column, I wanted to look back at the ups and downs of my four years here. But then I realized I could not even write a serious opinionated piece. I am a man who used my freedom of expression in this paper on such topics as ice cream, football advertising and baldness. Looking at the world from a serious perspective has become my own version of kryptonite. I have to look at the lighter side and the absurdities, otherwise things seem to always get a little more depressing.
My parents recently made me a member of the Alumni Association as a graduation gift. I don't know what to make of that since I take no time to express any positive or negative feelings toward Miami. Plus, with a future in unemployment and starvation, I'm not so sure Miami will want to be identifying me as an alumnus.
In the end, I have no advice for future Miami students about my experience because my four years on this campus have been just as nonsensical as my writing. Yet, I would like to think that I have left my mark on this campus. Unfortunately, that mark is a poop stain. So, I'll end with the words of Verbal Kint, "And like that … he's gone."
