In Bizzaro World school is in session during the summer. In Bizzaro World uptown bars are empty on weekends. In Bizzaro World American Gladiators does not exist. In Bizzaro World the Greek-unaffiliated GDIs like me move into fraternity houses as if it weren't laughably ironic. I have lived in Bizzaro World. And I am going to live in it again. And all I have to do is wait for everyone to leave for summer. Instead of going back to the orphanage or the drainage pipe I called home through high school, I am staying in Oxford for some laid-back summer schooling. Although I like to think that I once had childhood memories, I have come to realize Miami is my life now, as it has always been and always will be. Sometimes I try to see Oxford as the Emerald City, where once I have had enough of it, I will be magically transported to a place where I actually want to be. That thought - in combination with barbiturates and mescaline - gets me out of bed in the morning. Miami has been slowly siphoning off my free will since freshman year, but it wasn't until I spent last summer that I felt OK with it. For lack of a literal home and any meaningful connections in the world, I rented a room in the Pi Kappa Phi fraternity house for dirt cheap, while trying to touch as little as possible for fear of bacterial infection and tetanus. At the time I did not know if Bizzaro World had anti-toxins or if the classes I would be taking would just kill me anyway. As most have already figured out, the regular school year is actually a grand-scale psychology experiment with no ends to its means - and it is steadily getting meaner every year. Summer school chisels away all the torture and mental castration that the semesters have inflicted upon your soul and replaces it with a nice massage to lull you into paying another $300 a credit hour. Acquiescence is bliss. And if you are like me, you hate people, because people are stupid, which makes summer sessions perfect for all the human-race-hating pseudo-cynical bastards like myself. Bizzaro World is not populated. Nobody is here during the summer. Everyone is off at their fancy "internships" and "jobs" and miss out on all the procrastination of real world experience, which I have found to be the only truth in this world and have come to depend on it like NyQuil and Tears for Fears. And how do I justify my employment procrastination to the nuns at the orphanage? I say I am taking classes. And I do take classes - just with a grain of salt. Bizzaro World is saline. Summer classes are like super sprint courses where an entire semester is placed into a giant juicer that squeezes it into six weeks. Sure the 7:30 a.m. start times make me feel like I've been bled dry. Sure the blasting police sirens that drive up and down Spring Street every single night for comprehensible no reason gave me a brain aneurism. Sure I feel like drilling a screw through my temple after sitting in a mind-boggling boring lecture for more than two hours, six times a week. As I sweated through my T-shirt and my shoes melted on the concrete like a Nike-sponsored cheese sandwich, I wondered if it wouldn't have been better to have applied for an internship at an air-conditioning company or live on Pluto. With a slight bit more pondering, I realized that there was a solid 40 percent chance that there would be more nightlife on Pluto than in the desolate wasteland that is uptown Oxford during the summer. After the mass exodus of the hopped-up, gung-ho college crazies, the town curls up like a dried-out sponge. But that is not to say it is dry. I was finally able actually sit down on a barstool, play pool without prodding someone's back with the cue, and enjoy a laid back atmosphere where I could chill without having to weave in and out of people like I was perpetually stuck in some sort of American Gladiators obstacle course. I am looking forward to traveling back to Bizzaro World this summer, but I don't really want you to join me. Summer school is like waiting in line - the fewer people the better. I don't want to sound like an elitist-lazy-ass, but in Bizzaro World I am the norm and you are the crazy ones.







