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Columnist longs to report serious journalism

Column: Media Bias

By Steve Markley, Senior Staff Writer

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Published: Thursday, April 21, 2005

Updated: Monday, February 15, 2010

Recently, The Miami Student has received quite a bit of praise for its timely and insightful stories on class size, the safety at railroad crossings, and Oxford's neglectful landlords. I would like to take this opportunity to assure readers of The Student that I had absolutely nothing to do with this whatsoever. My biggest contribution during this streak of reporting was to inform the other editors during our meeting which part of my anatomy all Miami administrators carping about our class size article could direct their complaints to (hint: it's one of four areas worn out from perverse treatment...wait, one of five). The thing is, Miami, I'm no journalist. I'm not sure how I even ended up in this job and each new issue brings with it more reminders that I'm out of my element. For instance, when I suggested breaking the story that, in addition to his other scandals, Tom DeLay was caught sodomizing barnyard animals, they all told me I needed "sources." Incidentally, Tom DeLay has since focused the blame for his carnal knowledge of animals that will soon be served to you in dining halls on the liberal media - where it belongs. But back to the point: The entire staff seems to think I'm something of an ass-clown (indicated by the Editor-in-Chief who has not addressed me by any other name in roughly a month). That's why whenever we have to write one serious editorial and one "off the subject" for the opinion page, my co-editor takes the serious one (usually, something to do with ASG screwing up/not doing their job/servicing Satan in his attempt to conquer Earth) and the other editors say, "Okay, Markley, you write about how we should give little kids alcohol poisoning at Kidsfest." So all I can do is keep rattling off columns. However, finding a niche as a columnist presents another problem. You have to find your voice, and Zach Parks already took the gruff "man's man" persona, so that's out. Not that it would have suited me anyway, unless there's something particularly manly about weeping while you masturbate. Sure, I've made a splash once or twice as a columnist, but now when people tell me, "I read your column," I really have no clue what that means. It could mean that they read my delightful comments on the Pope and agree that contributing to the AIDS crisis in Africa and Latin America by telling his followers that condoms will send you to hell should get him a Nobel Prize for Slack-Jawed Idiocy (they changed it because they couldn't find anyone for the Peace thingy anymore). Invariably, it could also mean that you find me detestable and repugnant (and not just because of my goiter) and would rather circumcise yourself with a bear trap than ever speak to me again. Basically, I've just stopped all social interaction to avoid this predicament. Anyway, the point I think I was trying to make was that from now on I will try to dedicate myself to more serious journalistic endeavors. That is, until the editors reject my story about how Richard T. Farmer drinks the blood of virgins to protect his wealth, at which point I will revert to making jokes about poop.

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