The Christmas holiday is crap! That's right, I said it. You all can go ahead and kiss my Halloween-loving ass. This magical time of year is all just one big steaming pile covered in tinsel and lights, wrapped up in propaganda, and placed under the ultra-flammable tree, that you're too stupid to water. Over the years Christmas has been warped more than the Starship Enterprise, morphing from a celebration of pine trees, to an annual Florida vacation, and back to trees. Note that I don't refer to this month-long shopping debauchery as the "holiday season," for that would be gross misuse of the word season. Here's a free lesson. There are four seasons in a year and despite what the politically correct PTA moms say, they are not spring, summer, fall, and holiday. "The holiday season" is what the school boards and marketing reps thought of to roll Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa into the fattest joint they could and stone the public on a good-will high and rape their wallets when the consumer munchies hit. Of course, Christmas is the December dominator while the others are just leafy filler. Hanukkah is barely a holiday in America anymore and it plays about as big a part in the holiday season as the mute kid does in a musical. When was the last time you saw towns decorating lampposts with Menorahs or primetime TV plastered with Hanukkah specials. To accommodate their Hebrew bankers and stockbrokers, Christians came up with the newest word in the Newspeak dictionary: Christmakah. If I were Jewish and had the inclination, I would be ticked off at having my sacred religious celebration blended into another younger, but more accomplished, holiday. I guarantee this is a Unitarian plot trying to amalgamate all the religious holidays together until nobody knows what the hell they are celebrating, just as long as there is pie and presents. This is why they created the word "Christmahanukwanzakah" (*pronounced: nEVer leT HippEEs nAme ThiNgS). However, Kwanzaa is an observance for God-knows-what, that America just nods their head at in fake affirmation of its rationale. Kwanzaa is like the third wheel on the Christmas unicycle, or perhaps just a bumper sticker saying, "Kwanzaa too." And although Kwanzaa parties can be fun, eggnog and mistletoe beat eating Mazao and reciting the Nguzo Saba any day. Besides, Christmas doesn't have time for such superfluities as sacred ceremonies or anything that is vaguely related to the church anymore. We are talking about a holiday that feels it deserves an entire store filled with mind-boggling amounts of chotchkies and fake evergreens established in pretentious high-class malls. Maybe I'm just bitter because I'm a Druid and I predict Halloween as the next holiday to be assimilated into Christmas. It already got Thanksgiving. Veteran's Day fell like the Western Front. And even though it would be like shooting itself in the foot with a howitzer, I predict Easter will be swallowed in Christmas cheer as well.