Our country is in the grip of frenzy, and with each day that brings us closer to Nov. 4, the frenzy grows. Yet despite the rabidity of everyone around me, I've never been so enthusiastically unenthusiastic in my life.

When I'm not losing money in bus station craps games, I'm a columnist. Being a columnist, it's my duty to bemoan and complain about everything-politics being no exception. Which is why I am utterly bewildered that I haven't heard more griping about Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) or Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) being awful candidates, and less about both of them being awful choices as a whole. I'm no expert at the intricacies of party politics, but as a voter I wonder how in all the United States of America there were not two more qualified or even likable candidates for us to choose from. I know they all can't be Martin Van Burens or FDRs, but for some reason I don't see FDR going on WWE Monday Night Raw and awkwardly asking his opponent, "What're you gonna do when my McCaniacs run wild on you," or if, "You smell what Barack is cookin'?" Did all the other possible candidates out there have something so unknown and disturbing about them that kept them out of the race? Does Mitt Romney secretly run an underground Indonesian slave-fighting ring? Was Sen. Hilary Clinton (D-N.Y.) really the best the Democratic Party could do besides Obama? Maybe I should relax and remind myself that these are politicians after all-but putting policy aside, are either of these men really suited to take the job of most powerful man in the free world?

There's McCain, fighting an uphill battle for the Republican Party out of the twisted wreckage of the Bush administration, with years of invaluable experience in Congress and the military. A man so patriotic and stoic that he gave the names of the Yankees starting lineup instead of his fellow pilots to his VietCong captors, who tortured him to the point of turning his hair white at the age of 31. Usually, I'd side with Republican viewpoint, since I believe in the theory that "X+Y = Happiness" where "X" is money and "Y" is also money. However, I can't help but wonder how an upstanding man could take such an expensive endeavor, like a campaign, and run it into the ground. Admitting you lack knowledge in the area of economics amidst an economic crisis, using smear tactics and choosing a relatively inexperienced female running mate when your platform is based on experience isn't the best idea. McCain's representation of being time-tested comes with the trade-off of losing touch with age and the always-dangerous "crazy old grandpa" image. McCain has lived to see so much, I wouldn't be surprised if he had to show proof of being a white, land-owning male when he first voted. So it's understandable that it's difficult for his campaign to connect with the young voters of today with their snap bracelets, Boyz II Men tapes and roller discos. However, picking something with large, nubile breasts to be the next potential vice president isn't going to land the attention of the Adderall generation long enough to capture their vote. Though, it'd be a great change of pace to finally see a powerful, rich, white man in office.

Then there's Obama, whose convoluted past and inexperience has put him in a relatively slim race with McCain, which is pretty bad considering the Democratic Party could've selected a French necrophiliac whose campaign was funded with Nazi gold and still won in a landside after Bush's term in office. The pompous aura that surrounds Obama's campaign-the branding of his image like it's this year's new Von Dutch-as well as Hollywood's (who always knows what's best for us flyover states) incessant drooling over Obama really hasn't softened the resentment of Midwesterners. Though maybe, I'm just bitter from The Daily Show and The Colbert Report transforming into half-hour Obama infomercials.

Maybe I'm just a little surprised that anyone can be so mesmerized by the equivocating, pandering and smears by either side, especially since half of the candidates are from the freak states-Alaska and Hawaii-who we all know mask their hatred for us contiguous folk. As Americans, we're obsessed with the freedom of choice: deep-fried or refried, credit or debit, 12-gauge or semi-automatic. Walking to the voting booth this year is going to feel like an outlaw walking to the gallows where the only choices are getting my spine snapped from the fall or slowly suffocating. Then again, one Ohioan's vote never mattered, so maybe I will stay home and enjoy some campaign commercial-free TV.