Monday night we were all honored by the appearance of Rep. Tom Brinkman, author of last year's notorious constitutional amendment banning gay marriage or "marriage-mimicking" relationships. Brinkman is now suing Miami University for providing domestic partner benefits to those gay and lesbian couples who have no legal recourse to attain such benefits because Brinkman and 62 percent of Ohio's other self-righteous crybabies voted it away from them last year in a clear-cut case of a tyrannical majority uncomfortable with its own sexuality.
There are two possibilities here: First, there's the possibility that Brinkman understands that in Ohio rich, white assholes are a dime-a-dozen (evidenced by the Miami College Republicans) and that to get attention he needs to vilify the easiest group possible in order to gain a little camera time. The other possibility is that he's for real about all this, in which case he's simply a homophobic bigot.
My head says option one, but my gaydar tells me option two is more likely.
My question then, is what the hell is Tom Brinkman (and the other 62 percent of you) so afraid of? Are you scared that if we allowed same-sex marriage, the santorum of a gay couple will somehow end up in your breakfast cereal? (And if you don't know what "santorum" is, go ahead and Google it).
The scary part about Brinkman's argument in opposition to gay marriage is that it bares a striking resemblance to the arguments used to endorse a ban of interracial marriage in certain states as late as the 60s, as one audience member pointed out. And like those outdated policies, which were all at some point supported by overwhelming majorities of state constituencies, the hysterical public fear of homosexuality will someday pass. And when it does, political thugs like Brinkman will be relegated to history's dustbin, only to be remembered for the extremity of their narrow-minded prejudice and their bad haircuts.
Actually, I've come to hope that the maniac Christians are right: I hope there does indeed exist a heaven and hell because I look forward to seeing Tom Brinkman there. While I'm paying for my many sins at least I'll have the pleasure of watching him get what's coming to him as he's forced to perform fellatio on Michael Moore for all of eternity after Moore has run a 5K and has a groin condition referred to as "swampy."
You see as a history major, I've learned almost nothing in my time here, having been too busy proving my heterosexuality to myself by gazing longingly at the thong of the girl in front of me (after all, Tom Brinkman isn't the only guy who's gotten totally freaked when he spent too long admiring Usher's abs). However, if I've learned anything, it is that ideologies of prejudice and fear don't have staying power. And one thing that became clear Monday (besides that lesbians can get very loud) is that Brinkman's entire philosophy is based around his own discomfort with homosexuality. And hell, even if Brinkman wins this lawsuit, just imagine what Michael Moore's sweaty body must smell like from that close.
