What is … a troubled teen, plagued by the sexual pressures of her overly advanced high school peers, whose one-time physical encounter with the school's hottie senior quarterback ends up sparking a widespread syphilis epidemic?
Any guesses? Nope?
Okay, let's try again.
What is … a woman who's sick of men, work and her biotchy friends and decides to leave it all behind and take off on a road trip, where she discovers an abandoned log cabin in the mountains of Montana and decides to make the home her own, only to find the house is not abandoned at all, but actually belongs to a sexy backwoodsman, who returns to find her in his cabin. A passionate love affair ensues with said woodsman as he attempts to change her man-hating ways and melt her cold, cold heart.
Still nothing?
Alright, one more.
What is … a widowed 25-year-old mother of quadruplets forced to leave her home and everything she knows to look for work as a farmhand in a rural Arkansas town, only to find her deceased husband still alive living next door to her new home with an entirely different family, going by a different name. In a bizarre twist, the mystery woman to whom the "dead" husband is now married is actually the young widow's identical twin sister. The two were separated at birth by their estranged mother and each never knew that the other existed.
Come on, take a guess.
You've gotta have it now.
They're all part of the ridiculous genre that is … Lifetime movies.
Okay, the last story I may have made up but it's not that far off base. It easily could be the next Saturday late night feature on everyone's favorite station.
That's right, I said it. Lifetime is everyone's favorite.
What's there not to love? Life got you down? Syph girl's is downer.
Think you just had some hot steamy lovin'? Well mountain chick just boned her lumberjack in a tree, while trying to avoid a bear attack.
Sad about your cheating boyfriend? At lease he didn't fake his own death to get rid of you and your four nuggets, only to marry your identical long lost twin! Maybe a stretch … maybe not.
No matter what's going on in your life, Lifetime will one up you - but you can't help but love it. It's like that annoying friend who always tries to out-story your story but for some reason you aren't mad about it … in fact, you just get pissed your story wasn't better to begin with.
The most absurd thing about it all is somehow we can't help but buy into these ridiculous stories. The fabrication that these writers conjure up is borderline genus. If you look real deep into a Lifetime movie plot, a tiny grain of reality may be detected. Like, perhaps there was a girl like the one from the first scenario and maybe she was pressured into having "sexual relations" with an older boy, HOWEVER, she certainly didn't start a full blown syphilis epidemic. And if she did … oh girlfriend, keep 'em closed.
That's the thing about Lifetime movies, even though they are complete story one-uppers; they always leave you thinking,
"Thank God my life isn't as effed up as this!"
Yeah, the stories may be depressing and you may need some questionable moments alone after certain shirtless lumberjack scenes … yet, for the most part you can't help but leave feeling better about yourself. Those aren't tears of sadness that are streaming down your face onto that plush pillow you're coddling at the end of "She's Too Young" … those are freakin' tears of relief! Because you know that no matter how bad things get, they will never be that bad … I mean come on, how much would it suck to be the one to start a sexually transmitted disease epidemic at Miami? A lot, that's how much. So don't be fools; wrap your tools … and tune into Lifetime for some ego-boosting, mind-numbing fun.
