There are two types of people in this world: Those with H1N1 and those with Vampire Fever. Earth is not a very healthy planet, is it?
While it has been rumored 50 percent of Miami University's campus will be infected with swine flu before Thanksgiving (and they thought Native Americans got a raw deal with the small pox), it is scientific fact that 100 percent of Miami will be suffering from something much worse. Diagnosis: Vampirefluenzatosis. Symptoms: An unusual and inexplicable obsession with vampires, even though these creatures are, for lack of a better word, murderers.
But these murderers are dark, mysterious, handsome and they never have garlic breath. It's no wonder Miami girls (just like girls everywhere) are falling victim to the vampire frenzy that is taking the world by storm.
While the media has had its fair share of vampire stories (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, myriad drugstore romances with vampire
ingénues, Angel, etc.), recent years have seen an increase in vampire love.
TWILIGHT
Published in 2005, Stephanie Meyer's Twilight follows the story of emo teenager Bella, whose mother shipped her away to Washington because Bella sucked at ballet. When she is not getting run over by vans or dropping apples, Bella finds time to stalk pale classmate Edward Cullen, and in her creeping discovers this glittering stone-man-boy-creature is a vampire.
Girls aged 13 to anyone-who-has-never-had-a-boyfriend fell head over heels for Twilight and Edward alike.
"Every girl secretly - or not secretly - is a hopeless romantic, and those books really cater to the hopeless romantic," said Maria Juergens, a junior education major. "Edward is kind of cute in a stalker-ish way."
Stalker-ish way is correct. Edward follows Bella in his car, watches her while she sleeps and says extremely romantic things like, "I'm tired of trying to stay away from you, Bella." (Twilight, p. 84)
I'm sorry, did I say romantic? I meant creepy as flock.
But, apparently, the public loves creepy. Twilight was a New York Times bestseller, and the feature film wowed easily-impressed audiences of desperate girls the world over. These desperate girls just can't get their fill of the vamp juice, and if Edward isn't their poison, Bill Compton might just satisfy their thirst.
TRUE BLOOD
HBO's True Blood is based on the Sookie Stackhouse novels by Charlaine Harris. Similar to Twilight, a human girl, Sookie Stackhouse, falls in love with vampire Bill Compton. You can never go wrong with a human/vampire romance, and the half-dead, half-alive, all-dysfunctional romance of True Blood has also found a Miami following.
"True Blood is the ultimate vampire story," said Katie Winkler, a junior accounting major. "It has so much going on - it's not just vampires and werewolves and Edward Cullen whining that his brother is better at baseball."
As Winkler suggested, True Blood is a versatile story, covering all sorts of supernatural creatures like shape shifters, maenads and religious fundamentalists. It has a little bit for everybody, even though everybody would be satisfied with just the vamps.
Some people, like L.J. Smith, know that vamps and vamps alone are enough.
VAMPIRE DIARIES
L.J. Smith's book The Vampire Diaries is another example of how fangs go from page to screen, capturing hearts in the process. The TV show by the same name includes the love story of Elena, a human girl, and Stefan, a mysterious vampire boy, and how they meet and fall in love at Mystic Falls High.
Wait a second … a human girl and a mysterious vampire boy? This is so original and unheard of! Who came up with this? It's brilliant! Thank god for The Vampire Diaries. Without this show, the world might never experience vampire love. The Vampire Diaries is a completely groundbreaking series that people will really want to sink their teeth in to. (Intended pun, B-the-W.)
Even though The Vampire Diaries is extremely unique and the first vampire love story ever, vamps exist outside of these television series. They're everywhere, hiding in dimly lit corners and dark alleys, just waiting to find a Bella, Sookie, Elena or any other girl delusional enough to believe a) vampires are real and b) they have any interest in humans beyond killing them and drinking their blood.
P.S. If you are one of those delusional individuals, you may be suffering from Vampirefluenzatosis and should see a doctor immediately - a real doctor, mind you, not one at Student Health Services. They'll just diagnose you with the swine.







