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In this crippling economy, there are still some career paths with promise. Thanks to Career Fair, Miami University students have the opportunity to stop by the booth of their dream job/internship and stare at the display until the company's representative kills that dream with a simple, "We're not hiring right now, it's a recession. Try again next year."
What's a Miami student to do?
Lower your standards, that's what!
Jobs typically thought to be unappealing have more openings now than ever. That means opportunity. Just think of the places you'll go and get mugged, the people you'll meet and wish you hadn't and all the money you won't make in the following jobs!
1. Gypsy: Your tears become invaluable and what you thought was a funeral shroud is now your wardrobe! Carry around a fake baby and learn some gypsy lullabies in gypsy-language, whatever it is, and you'll be golden: A future employer cannot say no to such an authentic gypsy! Make sure to forego bathing and, if you really want to climb that career ladder, get rid of your razors and toothbrush.
2. Anything in Detroit: The fastest growing job market in America's finest town is unemployment, so you might want to try that first. Human resources is also a diamond in the rough-est city around, because all those laid-off workers will need someone to line up severance packages. Since the metal scrap yards are quickly filling with Detroit's car industry failures (18-wheel minivans did not fly with investors), positions as junkyard security guards are opening up by the ones. So get out to Detroit and be a part of America's downfall. Here's a tip: Always wear a bulletproof vest.
3. Urinalysis lab assistant: For some reason, work with urine has declined in popularity in the past couple years, so bully for you! Not only would you be guaranteed a job at the urinalysis lab, you would be guaranteed a job in a scientific lab. That makes you smart. Show off for all your unemployed friends in that yellow-stained white lab coat at the Labor Day cookout. Since drug tests are on the rise, you might have to put in some long hours, especially during baseball season (steroid testing), but it will be worth it once you get that promotion to urinalysis lab worker.
4. School guidance counselor: No one likes kids. They're annoying, they say stupid things and for some unfathomable reason, they think you care. Because of this, school guidance counselors have been leaving academia in troves. If you're tough-skinned and can handle Tiffany crying about Melanie hitting her with a Lisa Frank folder because Dan complimented Tiffany's shoes, this is a definite possibility for you. If you want an easy start, try getting a guidance job in a Catholic school. Every student complaint can be answered with four letters: WWJD?
5. Undertaker: People dying is a trend that doesn't seem to be losing popularity points and won't go out of style soon. No, death is here to stay, so profit from the one sure thing by making a career out of it! The possibilities in undertaking are endless, unlike life, and you could work as an undertaker until the day you die and are taken under by another undertaker. It's one of those crazy
circle-of-life things.
6. Copy editor: What's better than pouring over mindless manuscripts looking for improper usage of semi-colons? Nothing! Copy-editing is often thought to be boring, depressing, tedious, mind-numbing work and guess what? It's 100 percent true! The water cooler will become a second home as you idly drink from a Dixie cup, waiting for that 5 p.m. finish line of this nightmarish copy-editing marathon. Often times you'll find yourself asking dismal questions like, "What am I doing with my life?," "Is there anything out there beyond this cubicle?" and "Why do apostrophes look so similar to commas?" But don't despair: Your only true friend, the Microsoft Word Paper Clip, will be there with a helpful, "You look like you're writing a suicide note! Need any help?"
7. Intern: The recession has hit everyone hard - slapped them right in the face. If you are an unpaid intern, your paycheck will remain untouched by the economic crisis. And that's just the tip of the welfare-funded iceberg. Your coffee-making and coffee-retrieving skills will be polished to perfection, rivaling the most talented of Starbucks baristas, or at least giving the least-competent Dunkin Donuts employee a run for his or her money (because they, unlike you, receive paychecks). That copier machine will bow to your mighty power as you scan, copy and fax (faxing? Really? Are you sending the dinosaurs a memo about their impending extinction? Because no one else uses fax machines.) your way to the bottom rung of the career ladder.
7.5. Townie: This career choice is all about convenience: Because you aren't leaving Oxford for an unfamiliar town, you don't have to learn anything new or go through bore-ientation! You can still hang out at all your regular haunts like Brick Street and Wal-Mart, only now you get to wear flannel shirts - be sure to cut off the sleeves, though, how else are the ladies going to see your tats? If you really want to succeed as a townie, grow a mullet and invest any extra time in NASCAR culture. Here's a tip: Show up to work on a John Deere, and you're guaranteed employee of the month.
