While we at Miami University like to claim Green Beer Day as our own, it has actually been around for quite some time. Below is a brief, textbook quality timeline of Green Beer Day.
3500 B.C. The wheel is perfected in Mesopotamia to make deliveries of green beer faster and more reliable. Parties are way better now.
1185 B.C. The silly Trojans accept the giant wooden horse under the pretext it is filled with green beer, Green Beer Day shirts with witty slogans and a slew of Green Beer Day leprechauns-who for some reason are dressed up as Greeks.
5 B.C. Jesus is born. Mary and Joseph are annoyed the so-called wise men brought frankincense, myrrh and gold as opposed to green beer, which is what the couple had asked for. Mary kicks the kings out of the manger, telling them that you don't go to meet the alleged Son of God and NOT bring green beer. I mean, really.
64 A.D. Under the influence of green beer, Nero accidentally burns down Rome while attempting to set fire to his own fart. He later apologizes by providing the entire empire with free green beer, the best kind of green beer around.
395 A.D. A heated dispute over which shade of green beer is better leads to the split of the Roman Empire. Byzantium celebrates GBD with emerald green beer while Rome celebrates with the darker jade green beer.
438 A.D. St. Patrick uses the three-leaf clover to illustrate Christianity, and then proceeds to use green beer to represent all that is good and right in the world.
632 A.D. Mecca sends word that they are having the most ballin' GBD party ever, so Mohammad and 120.000 of his closest friends decide to attend. Mohammad swears to go every year for the rest of forever.
1215 A.D. The Magna Carta is mandated, stating, "No beast nor man nor king is above-eth ye olde law of the land, and ye olde law of the land state-eth no freeman shall be-eth denied green beer-eth."
1347 A.D. The bubonic plague sweeps Europe, killing one-third of the continent's population. Ironically, it is the one-third that does not celebrate Green Beer Day or consume green beer. Coincidence? I think not.
1517 A.D. Martin Luther releases his "95 Theses" to the public. 92 of the 95 deal with proper consumption of green beer, but it is the three that don't deal with green beer-the three that don't matter-they choose to base that one religion thing on.
1620 A.D. The pilgrims arrive at Green Beer Rock, but rename it Plymouth Rock to keep the green beer a secret from the Catholics.
1773 A.D. Thrifty Bostonians dump crates of tea into the Boston Harbor, eliminating the cupboard space issue for green beer.
1776 A.D. American colonies declare independence from Britain because the tyrant King George III holds class on Green Beer Day.
1845 A.D. The potato famine ravages Ireland's farmlands, forcing the poverty-stricken Irish to enjoy their green beer without potatoes.
1859 A.D. Charles Darwin publishes Origin of Species. The controversial work states, "The species with the greatest thirst for green beer is the species that will overcome all other species. Also, I don't think God is real."
1861 A.D. The Civil War starts after the Confederacy declares Green Beer Day is pointless and secedes so they do not have to celebrate it. The Union fights to bring Green Beer Day back to the innocent citizens of the Confederacy.
1893 A.D. New Zealand becomes the first country in the world to grant women the right to vote. This groundbreaking milestone allows the women to vote on important political issues, like where to place the green beer drinking fountains and whether or not school should be held on Green Beer Day.
1912 A.D. The Titanic intercepts a rumor that there is a large depository of green beer inside an iceberg in the North Atlantic. After a rather disastrous search of said iceberg, it is discovered the rumor is just another of Jack Dawson's lies.
1916 A.D. Albert Einstein publishes his paper on general relativity. The paper states, "If you drop a glass of green beer, it will fall to the floor and shatter to a million pieces, resulting in your friends peer pressuring you to lick up all the spilled green beer so that it will not go to waste."
1920 A.D. The 18th Amendment casts a dark shadow over the world-that shadow is called prohibition. The love of green beer causes the world to establish speakeasies and a well-connected bootlegging network.
1933 A.D. Two useless amendments later, Congress goes to a GBD party and decides that outlawing this godsend should be outlawed. They pass the 21st Amendment.
1950s A.D. Sometime during this glorious decade, Green Beer Day is established at Miami University as a way to celebrate our stolen St. Patrick's Day.
2009 A.D. Miami holds class on St. Patrick's Day.
