April 30, 2009. Girl Talk, a one-man band that has wowed the world with catchy mash-up music that can get even Karl Rove dancing, is coming to Miami University. Students, glad to be done with another school year and wanting to let off some final steam before exam week, will flood the field by Millett Hall to be a part of the craziest single concert in Miami history. Sure, we thought the blackout was insane, but that was nothing compared to the spectacular majesty of adrenaline, music, and chaos that will engulf Miami next Thursday.
The crowd will be feisty and, I'll be honest, things could get ugly - Maggie Gyllenhaal ugly. We at Amusement do not want your Girl Talk experience to be a negative one, so we have assembled a Girl Talk Survival of the Funnest Kit. The kit will not only make your concert experience even more awesome, but it also has the potential to save your life. On top of all that, it can easily fit into a fanny pack, which can be found at any thrift store in the Midwest.
Snuggie: It could get cold out there and what better to brace yourself with than this blanket with sleeves? The Snuggie is a state-of-the-art infomercial jackpot that keeps you warm, fashionable and snug.
Some sort of Holy Scripture: We at Amusement do not endorse any one belief system, but if the Girl Talk concert turns into Judgment Day (which we have a feeling it might), we don't want you be the guy in the "I HEART DARWIN" shirt being swallowed by quicksand. With some sort of sacred text in hand, you have a much better chance of getting into that Discovery Zone in the sky.
Pirate: Not the Somalian kind. The real kind, with a beard, eye patch and missing limbs. Nothing says "DON'T TRAMPLE ME!" to a riotous concert crowd better than a peg-legged buccaneer at your side, especially if he (or she) has a parrot trained to say "DON'T TRAMPLE ME!!!"
A wheelchair: In the event that you consume too much … Diet Coke … and pass out, it is important to have a wheelchair on hand. Your friends will much rather wheel you home than drag you across campus.
Sharpie marker: With Sharpie in hand, it will be easier to remember who you have met, made out with or punched in the face. Just simply mark their forehead after the pleasant - or not so pleasant - interchange and continue on to your next acquaintance. This is much easier than remembering names - so many Emilys and Dans!!!
Depends: Yes, as in the diapers. Adult diapers are ESSENTIAL. I cannot tell you how many times you are going to pee your pants from excitement while at this concert. Stay dry and comfy with Depends, the best adult diapers out there.
Flamethrower: At other, regular, boring concerts, cell phones (or lighters if you were born during the Civil War) are cool enough to wave around during the slow songs … but this is Girl Talk! There are no slow songs and "cool enough" won't cut it! A flamethrower shooting towers of fire into the air is what you need to get the party going.
Chuck Norris: One roundhouse kick to the head and that tall kid blocking your view of the stage is no longer a problem. Not only can Chuck "BOO YEAH" your way to the front of the crowd, but he'll also protect you if the rest of the concert proletariat turns into the wildebeests from Lion King and kill Mufasa. (Even though technically Simba killed Mufasa because he's such a crappy son.)
Neck Brace: Don't let tepid nods-of-the-head lame-ify this concert! Mosh hard core, knowing that you have a neck brace at hand for when that top vertebrae disc slips.
Rape Whistle: Just in case Josef Fritzl decides to come.
Keytar: This lovechild of the keyboard and guitar is the golden ticket to rocking out with Girl Talk. And I know you want to rock out with Girl Talk, we all do! The only way to truly synch your sound with the mash-up hero onstage is to jam on a keytar offstage. But don't forget to bring extra batteries-anticipate you'll need to change them about fourteen times.
Fire Hydrant: With an endless supply of water comes an endless supply of possibilities! Just make sure you remember the fire hose, or else that wet t-shirt contest is going to suck.
Neon Spandex: There is no such thing as too much spandex - especially if it's neon. Take advantage of the last acceptable forum in which to wear spandex and go crazy! Full body suits are highly encouraged, but a snug pair of biker shorts can work as well.
Rainbow Sprinkles: If things start to get dull, mix it up with rainbow sprinkles! Not only are they great for décor, they represent every major food group! Your nutritional needs will be entirely taken care of as long as you have a quart of rainbow sprinkles in an easy-to-use dispenser nearby.
Centaur: In the event Girl Talk's amps cause Miami Blackout Round II, you're going to want to make a quick escape. Just climb atop your Centaur and ride to freedom - but move quickly or else you might find yourself chanting "No power, no class!" and no one wants to be that guy.
A Spare Tire: As one learns in driver's education, always have a spare tire. Always. You might be thinking, "But I won't even have a car at the concert, what do I need with a spare tire?" And you know what I say to you? Shut up and bring a spare tire. This is no joking matter.
So there you have it. Feel free to add any items you deem necessary, and please call poison control if you have any questions.
