Welcome back! For first-year readers, congratulations on knowing how to read!
As a new school year begins, Miamians adjust themselves to the routine changes around campus -like no more free towels at the Recreational Student Center or first-years standing in the middle of the sidewalk, looking at a campus map trying to find the seal because they're "pretty sure that's where my class is."
It can go without saying the most prominent new addition to campus is the new Farmer School of Business. The palatial edifice has been under construction for the past 22 years, and this semester is its academic debut. But it is not the academic features that make the business school an architectural masterpiece - who cares about classrooms when the toilets are made of pure gold, mined from the hills of Colombia?
In between luxurious bathroom breaks, business school patrons may attend a class on one of the building's 97 floors. As the floor number goes up, it becomes harder and harder to access it. Many students have difficulty reaching the third floor as the stairs are well-hidden. It is even more complicated to reach the fourth through 92nd stories, which house the missing residence hall rooms Havighurst's basement residents are looking for.
Dividend$, the in-house dining hall, is a deluxe eatery featuring cuisine from every corner of the world. From the spinach bouchee to the crab cakes to the tempura, all of Dividend$' products are prepared fresh daily by gourmet chefs. The ruby-encrusted dining tables, the chandeliers constructed of diamonds and $100 bills and the sparkling marble floors prove why Dividend$ is too good for the letter "s."
To transport the students from Dividend$ to, say, the indoor butterfly garden or champagne Jacuzzis, fully-furnished elevators are readily available. Until now, society has completely limited the potential of elevators, with an average elevator's size being equivalent to a walk-in closet. The business school is the first in elevator innovation, with 14 elevators featuring an oriental rug, a fireplace, a sofa, two armchairs, a coffee table, a bookshelf and an HDTV.
A luxury apart from the elevators is the spa, a full-service haven of relaxation. The professional staff guarantees round-the-clock availability, so no longer must you wait until morning for a hot stone massage. Get a manicure or pedicure before your next class! Enjoy the cleansing sauna after a long day of note taking! Receive an exfoliating facial mask to clear those pores before a hard study session! The spa offers a variety of services sure to make a day in the business school fantastic.
If the spa doesn't tickle your fancy, the collection of live performers strategically placed throughout the business school will. Mimes, fire dancers, balloon artists, acrobats and Flava Flav are there to entertain the students and make what would otherwise be a depressing, school-like atmosphere an explosion of fun.
In the end, the business school is not about fun: It is about five-star luxury. Standing as a shining example of class (both boring academic kind of class and The Great Gatsby kind), Miami University's new business school is the pride and joy of Oxford, of Ohio and of America.
