Dear Liz,
I have a problem. I'm the nice guy. Not a nice guy, but the nice guy. I'm the guy all the ladies love … but will absolutely never date. Do you have any idea how much it sucks to be that guy? They want me to be their formal date, their pong partner and their texting buddy but never more. They tell me how much they absolutely love me … but, of course, only as a friend. What can I do? How can I get rid of my "nice guy" image? I'm desperate.
Sincerely, "Stuck in the Friend Zone"
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Dear "Friend Zone,"
It's evident to me your biggest problem is that you are a nice, respectable, courteous young man. Knock it off!
Confused yet? Keep reading.
I'm sure for most of your childhood your mother lectured you about being a "good boy." She taught you to say "please" and "thank you," to open doors for women and give up your bus seat for elderly people. She told you these are the things "good boys" do and that only "good boys" get girlfriends. Your mother lies.
In fact, you should take everything she or any other female kin has ever told you and do the exact opposite. Side note: One exception is when she told you to always put the toilet seat down … please continue to do this. If you don't, you will most certainly never retain a girlfriend.
Allow me to let you in on a little secret. Girls love jerks. The jerkier the better. We can't help it. I'm 97.5 percent sure it's in our genetic makeup. We love it when you're mean and rude. Ignore us and we're intrigued. Blow us off and we're obsessed. Make us cry and you've got us hooked for life.
Now, we don't want full-blown jerks, just the kind we can change. We are dying to be the one exception. The one girl to make that "bad boy" good; to help him move from the dark side to the light. Your problem is you've already seen the light. You're already "good." You're boring. You're neutral. With you there's no challenge.
There's a reason Joey picked Pacey, not Dawson. Dawson would drop everything for Joey. Pacey had sex with a teacher who's twice his age. There's no contest. Pacey's a champ.
For the best example of the point I'm trying to make, there is no better place to turn than our society's most beloved and renowned television program … "Flavor of Love." For three seasons, thousands of women auditioned to be on that glorious dating program. They scratched, beat and spit on each other and for what? I'll tell you. They did it for one little man who ran around like a fool in a Viking hat shouting the same two "words" like a VCR stuck on rewind and repeat-YEAAAA BOOOIIIIII! Flav was offensive, disgusting and degrading, yet these women flocked to him. As they say, the proof is in the pudding. Women love mean men. Sad, but true.
So my advice to you, Mr. Nice Guy, is this: strap a clock around your neck, try to score your friend's mom and start calling everyone "bro." The ladies won't be able to keep their hands off of you. But don't worry; you won't have to keep up the facade for long. As soon as your new girl has you, she'll want to change you right back into that "good guy" you once were-we're twisted, and we know it.
Best of luck, Liz
*Seeking under-qualified advice? Email caskeyem@muohio.edu with the subject line "advice." Questions will remain anonymous.







