College Media Network - Search the largest news resource for college students by college students Jobs and internships for students -

Even exams are better bicentennial-ized

By Anna Turner

|

Published: Friday, May 1, 2009

Updated: Sunday, February 14, 2010

If you are not lucky enough to die from the swine flu before next Monday, you will have to take finals. But before you get all depressed and go watch a Lifetime movie, you should know that this year Miami University isn't having finals. Miami is having the super special fun FINAL

EXAMS WEEK: Bicentennial Edition!!!

Finals Week is something we all dread every semester, and no matter how much I white it out on my syllabi, Finals Week never goes away. It is like the creepy delivery kid at the party who brings the Jimmy John's and never leaves: Always there. But good news! Thanks to Miami turning 200, the university has been sure to make exams extra fun this year because, as we have learned, everything is super special fun if you throw Bicentennial Edition at the end of it.

Proof: The Electric Chair: Bicentennial Edition. Sex and the City: Bicentennial Edition. Math: Bicentennial Edition. Need I explain more?

Final Exams Week: Bicentennial Edition has been top priority at Miami since May 2004, but the university has elected to keep it secret so as not to spoil all the Bicentennial Fun. Top-secret meetings in tree houses and underground hideouts have been occurring weekly for five years now, all building up to next week.

Desperate to learn what ole Miami had in store for us, Amusement sent our very own secret agent (he's on retainer for Amusement, we use him as we deem necessary) to one of these meetings and snatched the etch-a-sketch they were using to brainstorm. We have reprinted the etch-a-sketch's highly sensitive information and assure you that it is accurate: It was on the etch-a-sketch.

-Carebears: The Musical to be performed on Central quad 24/7.

-Professors must take magic classes and perform illusions for their students throughout the exam. NO EXCEPTIONS: ALL INSTRUCTORS ARE TO BE MAGICIANS FOR FINAL EXAMS WEEK: BICENTENNIAL EDITION.

-Jolly Rancher-flavored bricks. Call Willy Wonka to get the recipe for his flavored wallpaper and apply same science to bricks so that they all taste like Jolly Ranchers. They're already shaped like Jolly Ranchers, so we're halfway there.

-Slip 'n Slides replace sidewalks/roads. Walking/driving is a no-no, slipping and sliding is now only form of transportation! Feel free to push people off their bikes if they so much as try to pedal around campus.

-Rainbows 24/7. Numbers of hopes and dreams across campus will skyrocket with an infinite supply of hopes-and-dreams-inspiring rainbows. Pretty sure Elton John can hook us up here.

-Instead of Crime Alerts, have FUN Alerts. Only reason to concern students with crime is if Josef Fritzl stops by.

-Every hour, on the hour, erect a new, movie-themed interactive moonbounce. I.E. Bourne Identity moonbounce with real CIA agents shooting real bullets at you! Pretty Woman moonbounce with live, STD-carrying prostitutes! Volcano

moonbounce with scalding lava that will actually eat your skin!

-Allow each student to come up with his/her own Top 7-eliminate need for 2-hour Amusement production meetings.

-Skittles.

-Leprechauns distributing free green beer of high quality - no Natty allowed. This will maintain euphoric state of mind that only comes with GBD. So students do not go hungry, leprechauns will serve green eggs and ham to eat with the green beer.

-Boats must be all over campus so that at any one moment students can board the vessel and sing, "I'm On A Boat," their generation's anthem. If this song is sung while not on a boat, it's just stupid, so if there are boats around to sing it on, that little problem can be avoided.

-Eighth Harry Potter book is distributed to every student … FO' FREE.

-Freida Pinto teaches the entire student body the dance at the end of Slumdog Millionaire. We listen to "Jai Ho" for six days straight.

Now that you're no longer bummed out about finals, you can start prepping for Final Exams Week: Bicentennial Edition! It'll be a barrel of laughs, a bucket of fun and another type of container of something else exciting!

Recommended: Articles that may interest you