For those of you not blessed with good looks, a charming personality, witty sense of humor, remarkable genius or any sort of moral code at all, finding your other half can be hard. I can't really relate personally, but I have played witness to several instances right here at Miami University in which one particular person made the "Search for Love" the "Never-Ending Search for Love."
Our great university is home to some pretty intense love-seekers: Creepers of the Night infiltrate uptown Oxford. Argyle Fiends scope out King Library at all hours. Protein Powder Buffs build repertoire and muscle alike at the Recreational Sports Center (a.k.a. the Rec). Campus Crusaders flood Kofenya - you're there for Bible study, right? WRONG! We know your real reason!
With all these eligible bachelors roaming around campus, it is quite astonishing that so many girls remain single. Or is it astonishing? These boys spitting their game apparently have no game to spit, otherwise the ladies would be hanging off their every limb. This obviously is not the case, seeing as you are either creeping on a girl right now, thinking about creeping on that girl over there or are a girl being thought about being creeped on or actually are being creeped on at this moment even though you are so clearly busy reading this awesome article in Amusement.
What to do about all this excess creepage? As for the ladies, there is nothing you really can do. As for the fellows, I am here to help. I have compiled a list of Do's and Don'ts for you to remember next time that hottie crosses your path.
DON'T tell her about your fraternity. No one cares. She does not want to hear about the case race you and your brothers had last night, nor is she interested to hear about your house placing third in last year's Greek Week. Honestly, boys: telling a girl that you're in a fraternity will get you nowhere except to the place where she talks about her sorority until the end of time.
DO tell her about your major or, better yet, ask her about HER major. Everyone has a major (if she's undecided, you've hit the jackpot because now your conversation can go on for years), but not everyone is in a fraternity. If you talk about majors, that can lead into talking about classes you're taking, what your professors are like and what your future plans are in terms of marriage. There's a connection there, believe me.
DON'T ask what her friend's name is. If you want to talk to her friend, talk to her friend. If you want to talk to her, I can guarantee, "Your friend is hot, what's her name?" is not a good icebreaker. It only shows that you are not actually interested in her. Furthermore, do not ask her friend what her name is. Neither of these approaches work.
DO ask if she likes Dane Cook. This will start up 10 minutes of Dane Cook quote-swapping and, therefore, a lifelong friendship … or maybe a lifelong more-than-friendship.
DON'T sing to her. I don't know when this started, but at some point in time guys started thinking girls like being sung to. We don't. It's awkward, especially if the guy is a good singer. You cannot laugh at him like it is some hilarious joke if he actually has talent, so you just have to stand there, nod your head, smile gratefully and try not to throw the nearest fire extinguisher at his face.
DO ask her what kind of music she likes. Girls love talking about themselves, especially if it is a category on their Facebook.com profile. You can also win big with favorite movies, favorite books, favorite TV shows, interests and favorite quotes. So long as you don't sing. Please, please, please do not ever sing.
DON'T expect her to catch any references to Star Trek, Star Wars, Terminators 1-3, or any other "guy" movies. You will just be disappointed. If she understands the reference, it signifies that she could be your best friend, and the two of you could have light saber battles. If she does not understand the reference, you will look stupid.
DO make references to awesome movies from the 1990s, like Good Burger or Toy Story. These childhood memories are something to bond over, so reach for the skyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
DON'T be Erich Schrader.
DO be anyone but Erich Schrader.
So, that's my bit. I should probably tell you that, even if all of the above tips are taken to heart, you might not find "the one." This does not guarantee you a Miami Merger, but it should help tone down the creeping.







