I'll The origins of Thanksgiving are generally well known: The pilgrims didn't have any food and then the Native Americans gave them some corn. They were thankful and invited them over for dinner. Or something like that.
Well, you're about to have your mind blown because guess what? That's not what really happened.
That's right - your parents, teachers and television holiday specials have been lying to you for years.
Except for the buckle hats - that crap's true. In fact, that's where our story, the REAL story, begins: with a buckle hat.
The year was 16-something-or-other, and the place was London, England. Sweeney Todd had recently killed off every authority figure, and the city was in chaos. Harry Potter was threatening to sue Shakespeare for copyright infringement, and London Bridge was falling down, falling down, falling down. London Bridge was falling down, my fair lady.
It was a hot mess.
In the midst of the apocalyptic pandemonium that had engulfed foggy Londontown, there was a milliner named Peter.
His haberdashery was the only business that had not fallen victim to Oliver Twist's tomfoolery, and as such he experienced great wealth when others knew nothing but patched clothing and fingerless gloves.
One day while bringing a shipment of hats to the docks, Peter accidentally wandered aboard the wrong ship.
Instead of lodging his goods on the Flowery May, the confused milliner stocked his hats on the Mayflower.
It just so happened that these hats were his newest design: black top hats with a gold buckle. An interesting fashion statement at the time, the buckle hat was unheard of and quite revolutionary.
The Dutchmen and women on the Mayflower were intrigued by the buckle hats, and asked Peter if they could try them on.
Peter insisted the Puritan passengers must pay for the hats, and it was during this conversation that the Mayflower set sail, leaving London and Peter's haberdashery behind.
As you can imagine, Peter was very distraught. His buckle hats would never reach Paris Fashion Week, their intended destination, and therefore would have to wait until next year and by then they would be completely out-of-season. What a disaster!
When the Mayflower collided with Plymouth Rock, Peter and his Puritan friends made an extraordinary discovery: Gilligan's Island wasn't an island at all, it was America! Peter approached Gilligan, the captain, the skanky redhead, that other girl, the two old people, and the professor with apprehension, unsure if they were friend or foe.
He waved to the professor, and their conversation went as so:
Peter: Hello. My name is Peter.
Professor: Hello, I'm Professor.
Peter: Professor … ?
Professor: Yes … ?
Peter: Professor what? What's your surname?
Professor: No surname. Just professor.
Peter: Is that like your rap name?
Professor: No, that's my name name.
Peter: Oh. (pause) Would you like to buy some buckle hats?
Professor: Why, yes! Yes I would!
Peter sold the six castaways six buckle hats and invited them all to join the new settlement. Having run out of things to make with coconuts and therefore longing for a new adventure, Gilligan and crew agreed. Plymouth Rock grew by six that day, then shrank by one because the redhead was hung for being a witch. I mean, she had red hair, so … yeah.
The settlement at Plymouth Rock expanded with each passing day as cabins were erected, gallows were built, more gallows were put up over there by the new cabins, a church was made, then some other gallows by the church and so on and so forth. Throughout this whole process, the buckle hats' popularity exploded, and soon Peter spent his entire day crafting nothing but buckle hats.
It was not long before word of these stylish hats reached Pocahontas, a Native American princess with a knack for fashion. She canoed downstream to Plymouth Rock, bringing with her maize in hopes to trade the useless vegetable for one of those hats.
When Poca reached Peter's (new) haberdashery, she insisted on bartering. Peter agreed to give her a hat, but only if she could name all the colors of the wind. Unfortunately, she could not. Upon seeing Poca's crushed expression, Peter came up with a compromise.
Peter: Listen, Poca, I'll make you a deal.
Pocahontas: Is it waiting just around the river bend?
Peter: What?
Pocahontas: I look once more, just around the river bend, beyond the shore.
Peter: I don't know what you're talking about …
Pocahontas: Somewhere down this stream, don't know what-
Peter: Whatever, just listen: If you throw me a birthday dinner tomorrow night, I will give you a hat.
Pocahontas agreed, and the next day she and her fellow tribesmen threw Peter the most wonderful birthday party in history. They made him a wonderful meal of turkey, corn, potatoes, corn, cornbread, cream of corn, turkey, corn, green beans, corn, corn on the cob and corn. The Puritans, Gilligan's Island gang and Native Americans devoured the meal as one big happy family.
Overwhelmed with emotion, Peter gave everyone a hat in thanks. Thus, Peter's birthday came to be known as Thanksgiving.
And THAT is the real story of Thanksgiving.
Did I just blow your mind or what?
